Okay, so it's actually way early Saturday morning as I write this but, well, you know, Intarweb time is flexible, relative and rarely approximates Real Time.
Or some such nonsense.
Anyway, I was cruising reddit the other day when I ran across this post concerning a contest whereby two people could win a simultaneous movie date with Scarlett Johansson (most likely heavily chaperoned by big, burly, highly-trained, well-paid, sociopathic men with a penchant for breaking bones at a moment's notice) and since Scarlett happens to rank quite high on my Celebrity Lust ListTM, I had to check it out. As is often the case with reddit, the user comments were more amusing than the link itself:
(Warning: politically incorrect, contains sexual innuendo and inappropriate commentary, objectifies women, the remainder of this post is fully capable of making me appear as a complete and total sexist pig, which I'm not, most of the time, except that I am a product of my only moderately enlightened generation and testosterone-enriched environment but at least have the good sense to be embarrassed about it)
"Even though its only for a moviegoing date, I'd still hit that like a baseball player hits another's behind. Which is ever so gently, ever so gently."
"I'd hit it like the fist of an angry god."
"I'd tear that ass up like junkmail."
But the winner, the absolute jewel, the one that made me spew Diet Pepsi all over my monitor, my portable hard drive, my wireless router, a pile of CDs, a few random books, and Sid the Cat was:
"I'd hit it so hard, whomever pulled me out would be the rightful king of England."