MySpacey

For those who don't know (and not that you'd care; I mention this partly as further proof that deep within me I harbor the soul of a 16-yr. old girl), I have a MySpace profile.*

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead and laugh, but let me tell you something right now: according to the private MySpace messages I've been receiving I am soon to be surrounded by an endless bevy of hot, young, geographically-accessible beauties who can't spell "gullible" but have read The Joy of Sex front to back, found the mistakes, and added commentary, possibly with illustrations and NSFW video.

What, you think I'm lying? Well, I'll have you know I've received well over a dozen messages like these...

hiiiii wassup... yup this is totally random but.. next week im moving right near u and I wont know anybody who lives there... so im thinking we can be buddies hahah or friends or whatever.. maybe u could help show me around or introduce me to some new people... My M S N and A I M are right on my page..email addy also so hit me up... xxooxx chat ya soon hunny

whats crackin babe.... we dont know each other or anything but.. next week im moving right near u and I wont knwo a single person.. so im just trying to make some new friends who can show me around once I move... If you dont have a girlfriend I mean heheh.. Ill wait for u to contact me.. my info is right on my ms page... hope to hear form ya soon xoxo

...which couldn't be more timely. See, I've been getting some very exclusive e-mails recently informing me that I'm one of the select few allowed access to products guaranteed to enlarge my penis and increase female pleasure. Limited time, low, low, price, very hush-hush and all that.

So while you losers are out partying away your empty, meaningless lives this New Year's Eve I'll be stocking up on crack and condoms in anticipation of the non-stop orgy sure to come!


* Not that I do anything with it. It's more for keeping track of people who don't keep in contact any other way.