For the Man Who Has Everything

Yeah, I know; it's a little late to be making Fathers' Day gift suggestions, but still... check this out:


That's the Tuff-Writer Frontline Series Tactical Pen in Stealth Black, a pen of which no less a luminary than Warren Ellis has said,

"It is designed to be basically The Toughest Pen In The World, and also A Pen That Can Kill People. It functions in the harshest environments in the world, can keep writing under any conditions including a future flooded London, is made out of aerospace-grade metal and hard-anodised to military specification. It is also, I have to say, an incredibly nice pen to write with. This will be my book-signing pen of choice. It’s smooth, well-balanced, easy to use, and can lance the gizzards of uppity fanboys in a single strike. I figure a pen weapons-tested by SWAT rangemasters and martial artists should control a signing line fairly well. You can and should visit these fine people at http://www.tuffwriter.com."

"You will have to pry my Tactical Defense Pen out of my cold dead ink-stained hand."

--"Do Anything--Thoughts on Comics and Things" 001 (June 2, 2009)

Plus, it looks DAMN cool.

I mean, suppose you're sitting in your executive suite and are attacked by Office Pirates?

Or, even worse (according to the MPAA), Video Pirates?*

(yes, that's William Marshall, aka Blacula, aka The King of Cartoons)

Whatcha gonna do? Well, with a Tuff-Writer pen one can now have a take-anywhere "defensive implement" and isn't your dad's life worth a mere $79.95 ($95.95 in a Midnight Black "sanitized" version)?

Of course it is.

*After seeing this bit in Amazon Women on the Moon (thanks, JSaM!) I have never been able to see the FBI warning in a movie, video, or DVD and not think, "Ohhh, I'm so scared."


Addendum: I actually own a couple of fancy-ass, way-too-damn-expensive pens (Rotring, Waterman), partly because I love simple, elegant tools, but since my handwriting (cursive or otherwise) is, well, beyond atrocious (really, it's awful. Just... just awful) and I'm too lazy to do anything about it, even I am unable to rationalize such a purchase for myself. Hear that, Tuff-Writer people? Send me a free sample and let me start off your new ad campaign, "The Defensive Pen for the (un)Common Man."