Saturday, February 7, 2009

Oh, My, How I Love Warren Ellis!

(Saturday afternoon and I'm alone and unsupervised--a sure-fire recipe for trouble!)

You know, Warren Ellis! Crotchety-assed, cigarette-smokin', Red Bull-swilling', whiskey-drinkin', comic book writin' Warren Ellis! The guy who gave us Transmetropolitan and The Authority and Crooked Little Vein and FreakAngels, and, oh, all sorts of things.

And flash fiction. Let us not forget his flash fiction:

“I’ll kill the first piece of cockshit comes near me,” giggled Stabbity Jones, the last legendary knifeman of the old West. He showed them his crooked penis, with the razorblades screwed into the head. “I’ll fuck ‘em to death and make ‘em like it. Your daddies came cowshit up your mommies, and I’m Stabbity fucking Jones.” He bounced in his testicle-hide boots, making the spikes in his nipples jangle. “Stabbity Jones will fight any man here and fuck ‘em good as they bleed before my nekkidness.”

Stabbity Jones was the last knifeman in the West. Everyone else had guns.

(Stabbity Jones went from here to becoming a one-panel gag in an episode of the Marvel comic THUNDERBOLTS, poor bastard. © Warren Ellis 2006)
Stabbity Jones

“So what we do is take one of those morphine pumps that they implant in the thigh for pain management, and have it deliver a chemical cocktail. Viagra, a mild hypnotic, a little amphetamine. And hook it to a voice-activation chip, reset to respond to certain words from me. ‘Mine,’ for instance. TENS electrodes to numb your arms and legs, connected to a clapper switch. Or we could just get one of those penile erection-implant devices that I could operate remotely.”

“Couldn’t we just, you know…have sex?”

“Do you want the scrotal taser again? Shut up.”

(© Warren Ellis 2006)
Love In the Time of Elective Medical Procedure

I'm giggling like a madman over here.

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