Saturday, September 13, 2008

Your Morning Poetry Jam

Dear "Canadian Viagra" Spambots:

Well, I don't know how you do it*, but you always manage to outwit my ISP's fine-mesh e-mail filters. Y'all are pretty damn clever.

I must admit I admire your tenacity. I mean, for years you've been sending me innumerable variations of your basic premise ("a longer, stronger you!") and for years I've been dutifully deleting your daily electronic promise to transform me into a Throbbing Python of Love. Not once have I expressed even an iota of interest in your products, yet you continue devoting time and resources trying to convince me to take advantage of what has got to be the longest-running limited-time offer ever.

See, here's the deal: unless you're offering a package deal (drugs and a willing Jessica Alba), your products are of no use to me. I'm just not a playa'. Hell, I haven't had even a date since June of 1999 and me being who and what I am, I'm unlikely to have one any time in the foreseeable future.

You're taunting me and that's not very nice.

I'd gripe more loudly, but according to the latest from the Virginia Supreme Court, "the ability to be anonymous (is) more important than the problem of spam."


Here's a question: has anyone ever taken you up on your offer? No? Have you considered a modest career change? You latest missive leads me to believe you could have a promising future in the field of avant-garde/post-modern poetry! No, really! Look:

eat succour bushwhack

LaEeVsImTsReA - $3.64
FoEMAcLE VwIoAvGsRnA - $1.54
CsIzAaLzIcS - $1.97
SOnuMA - $0.45
UeLoTsReAuM - $0.43

work mammon

That's great stuff! I subscribe to LiveJournal and occasionally read Poetry magazine, so I've read far worse. Seriously, there could be a whole new world of Arts and Letters just waiting for you.

And maybe then you'd stop cramming your crap in my in-box.

*actually, I do, but that's neither here nor there.

1 comment:

JSaM said...

I have often contended that if the words "stronger" "bigger" "longer" and of course "harder" were to be legally stricken from e-mail adverts, I would get next to no e-mails at all