Well, Black Friday is almost upon us once again and I figured what better time to
"I've fomented no revolutions this year nor have I overthrown any governments despite almost overwhelming temptation. I haven't engaged in mass murder, no serial killings, no random acts of violence, no choke sex (hell, no sex at all!), no waylaying of strangers to harvest their body parts, and only minor, completely excusable corruptions of youth. I've refrained from kidnapping any heiresses, selling any government secrets, or even holding the planet for ransom. I haven't tampered with things man was not meant to know (much) and that annoying human sacrifice thing is now in the dim, dark, distant past. I've limited my stalking activities to the online realm and I haven't propositioned any of my female associates to do that...thing...with the Waring blender in quite a while..."
We'll conveniently ignore the fact that my being good wasn't entirely by choice; after all, at my age the opportunities to be truly bad are few and far between. Still, we must judge people by their actions and not their thoughts, mustn't we?
Well, whatever.
Books, CDs, and DVDs are always appreciated and I just happen to have an Amazon.com Wishlist set up for your convenience. Keep in mind that the more items you bring, the more I'm distracted from plotting World Domination--a bored G. W. is a dangerous G. W.--and besides, I'm well-armed and I know where you live.
Neighborhood Domination is another matter altogether and I'm figuring that some Catapult, Trebuchet, and Ballista kits would keep me busy and help me protect my backyard from random insurgents and drunken college students. Throw in a couple of rubber band-firing Gatling guns mounted on a Rip Saw UGV tank and I'll guarantee you everyone on my street will be good!
I love my HP computer dearly, but it does have enough age on it as to completely negate its Coolness Factor. I'm thinking an Alienware Area-51 ALX CF desktop for home and an Area-51 m9750 notebook for hanging out in trendy coffee shops (the latter got a mention in Wired 15.12) ought to bring me up to speed. Add an admiring Christina Ricci with a vintage copy of Redneck Rampage and my status as a Geek Gawd will be assured.
Speaking of the Coolness Factor, there's not much of it when cruising around Richmond in my 2000 Mitsubishi Galant, so I was thinking what I really need is a car that makes a statement, something like the Aston Martin DB9 for tooling around the countryside pretending I'm James Bond, the classic 1955 Lincoln Futura for tooling around town oozing Geeky Goodness, or maybe the greatest of all mechanized memes, Carthedral: "a 1971 Cadillac hearse modified with 1959 Cadillac tailfins. Welded on top is a VW beetle and metal armatures with fiber glass. Carthedral is a rolling Gothic Cathedral complete with flying buttresses, stained glass pointed windows, and gargoyles."
We all recognize the value of Gothic street cred, right?
An speaking of Gothic cred, the apartment could always use a few decorative accents and I'm thinking a nice, comfy electric chair would look great in the corner, especially if there was a Count Dracula casket beside it as a coffee table and a few skulls from Spellow House to round out the theme. May as well throw in a Coffin Clock so I'll know how much time I've wasted perusing Alan Moore's Lost Girls which, uh, I'll be needing a copy of as well. Feel free to toss in a Black Death sweatshirt in lieu of a frou-frou smoking jacket.
Well, that's about it for this year. As usual, I'll be leaving a little something for your efforts, only instead of milk, cookies, and Fentanyl I figured you might like a change of pace--you'll be finding a couple of bottles of genuine (and now fully legal in the US!) absinthe on top of the television set: Kubler for you and Lucid for Mrs. Claus, so put on your best Bohemian garb, grab a sugar cube or two, drink up, get nekkid, and see the Green Fairy! Leave the cat alone; he's new and wouldn't understand.
Have a Merry Christmas!
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