Secret Mountain Laboratory

Countdown To Halloween--Day 9 (Coffins!)

2011-10-09T18:19:00.000-04:00

Halloween should be a time for spooky gift-giving; in fact, no less a luminary than Neil Gaiman has modestly suggested a new tradition, All Hallow's Read, wherein we give one another scary books during, or during the week of, Halloween. As a tried and true, through-and-through, book junkie, I cannot express how much this idea thrills me! On the other hand, sometimes a book just isn't enough, especially in this, the Post-Literate Age, in which case something else from the spooky category might be appropriate.

Say, coffins.

Well, maybe coffin-shaped objects; real coffins/caskets are a tad on the expensive side, $2000 and up plus as much as $500 shipping (yes, I've done the research. Go away.).

Got a cat? Want a Gothic Kitty? Check out Coffin It Up's cat bed (found via Catsparella):

Got a Gothic Kiddie? Check out Monster High's Draculaura Jewelry Box Coffin-- part jewelry box, part doll-sized coffin canopy bed:

Need that perfect finishing piece for your Gothic mantle? Black Rose Gothic Clothing Emporium has a simply lovely coffin clock:

For big-budget items, there's all sorts of coffin furniture at CasketFurniture.com, including the Caravagio Gothic Display Cabinet:

But sooner or later, most of us are going to need a real coffin, of which there are gazillions on the Intarwebs. I'm partial to this particular model from Tribute Direct:

Might also make a nice bed, if you're of a morbid bent of mind. Not that I would ever consider such a thing... no, not I!

Countdown To Halloween--Day 8 (Minnie the Moocher!)

2011-10-08T10:55:00.000-04:00

Not exactly about Halloween, but it fits the mood...

Ages ago I wrote about the things that scared me as a kid in "Can't Sleep; Clown Will Eat Me." I left out one particular item, a Betty Boop cartoon so damn... surreal... so outright... spooky... it haunts me to this day.

It starts out simply enough: Betty take a pro-ana stance with her parents, infuriating them, and so, after calling her friend Bimbo (ahem!), she runs away from home. Night descends, things get spooky, and the two of them seek refuge in a convenient cave (yeah, that's a good place to hide), whereupon a ghostly walrus strutting in the style of Cab Calloway sings (with the help of Cab's voice and band) "Minnie the Moocher." Weirdness ensues.

Scat-singing skeletons drink themselves to death...

...And reappear as ghosts.

The backgrounds are particularly disturbing when you're 5.

So is the idea of a dancing, singing, ghostly walrus.

My little brain, conditioned to funny cartoons, had

a bit of difficulty assimilating all this.

Three ghostly prisoners are politely escorted to electric chairs...

...take their seats willingly, scatting all the way...

...And are executed, only to pop up for one more chorus.

Another disturbing image for a 5-yr.-old.

And wtf is going on with Momma cat and her kittens?

Here's the all-singing, all-dancing portion of the cartoon:

Nor is this an anomaly for the Fleischers; check out the musical portion of their version of Snow White (doubly disturbing backgrounds here, by the way):

A far cry from, oh, say, Hugh Laurie:

Countdown To Halloween--Day 7 (Poe!)

2011-10-07T09:41:00.000-04:00

Today, as you may know, is the 162nd anniversary of the mysterious death of Edgar Allan Poe. I've babbled about this before, in ...Wearing Clothes That Were Not His Own and in This Time the Burial ISN'T Premature! (where you can see Sarah J. and me paying special tribute to Edgar at the Poe Museum here in Richmond, VA), so I won't belabor the point. What I will say is, long before the Intarwebs decided H. P. Lovecraft and Great Cthulhu were über-memes, cultural poachers focused their attention upon Poe.

And who better? While Lovecraft grappled with dark, unspeakable cosmic forces infesting the universe with malign intent with humans merely inconsequential window dressing, Poe dealt with what were essentially human tragedies, albeit deeply macabre ones. Nothing wrong with either approach, but there's something more... personal... in Poe's stories.

Which makes them that much more unnerving.

And perfect for late-night October reading.

Occasional fake date Sarah J. and I pay tribute at the Poe Birthday Bash in Richmond, VA, January 19, 2009

"Happy Poe" by JSam

Countdown To Halloween--Day 6 (Repost!)

2011-10-06T00:01:00.003-04:00

It's just not Halloween until someone posts a seasonally appropriate dessert recipe, only this time, instead of pumpkin bread and somesuch, we have...

Penn & Teller's Bleeding Heart Gelatin Dessert
(from Penn & Teller's How To Play With Your Food)

The title says it all. It's the perfect coup de grace for your intimate dinner at home. As your guests sip their coffee, you unveil a glistening pink gelatin heart on a pedestal cake stand. Then you whip out a carving knife and stab it. Dark, gooey blood issues majestically from the wound. You cut dainty slices off the lobes of the heart and flip them onto dessert plates. You hold each portion under the oozing gash until it is nicely sauced with gore, add a dollop of whipped cream, and serve.

INGREDIENTS
4 cups of water
4 3-oz. boxes or two 6-oz boxes of peach (pink; think of lung tissue) or strawberry (redder; think of livers and hearts) gelatin dessert mix.
4 envelopes unflavored gelatin
1 12-ounce can unsweetened evaporated milk

1/2 cup grenadine syrup
1 cup light corn syrup
1 small bottle (0.3 fl. oz.) red food coloring
3 drops blue food coloring
1 1-gallon food-storage bag (the plain kind without the zip closure)
6 1/2 cup heart-shaped gelatin mold or cake pan

PREPARATION
Boil the water. Put the packaged gelatin dessert and unflavored gelatin in a bowl and pour the boiling water over it, stirring constantly. Cool to room temperature (very important or the next step may present problems). Stir in the condensed milk. Note how it already is acquiring the color of freshly skinned flesh.

Pour the mixture into the gelatin mold. Cover the bottom of the mold (this will be the top when you serve it) with a layer about half an inch think. Refrigerate until it gels firmly.

Meanwhile, prepare a nice bladder of blood. Stir together the corn syrup, grenadine, and food colorings (we do it right in the measuring cup to save dish washing--every erg saved in preparation is an erg one can use to enjoy the Payoff). For the bladder (the bag that keeps the blood together inside the mass of gelatin) take the gallon-size food-storage bag and turn it inside out. Pour the blood mixture into one corner of the bag and twist it closed so that no air bubble is caught between the sauce and the twist. Tie a knot in the twisted plastic. Adjust the position of the knot so that when the bag lies on the counter, it's about 1 1/2 to 2 inches high, and tighten the knot. With a pair of scissors, snip off the frilly extra plastic outside the knot.

When the gelatin on the bottom of the mold is stiff and firm, position the bladder of blood in the mold, with the point of the bag just inside the point of the heart. Make sure there is at least 3/4" of space between all sides of the bag and the walls of the mold (this will ensure that your guests don't see clues ahead of time). Pour in the remaining gelatin until the mold is as full as you can handle. Don't worry if you see a little of the blood-bladder grazing the surface of the gelatin, as longs as it doesn't project too much; the side you are looking at now will be the bottom when you serve it.

Refrigerate until gelled firmly to the texture of fine, lean organ meat. It takes about 4 hours.

To unmold, put about 2 1/2 inches of hot, but not boiling water in your sink. Set your mold in the water so that the water comes just below the edge of the mold for 15 to 20 seconds; the time depends on the thickness of the mold pan. Remove the mold from the water, and run the blade of a knife around the edge of the gelatin. Invert your serving platter, ideally a white pedestal cake plate, on top and hold it firmly in place. Then use both hands to turn over the mold and the plate. Remove the mold; you may need to tap or shake the mold slightly to free the gelatin.

PRESENTATION
The blood looks prettiest when it flows over white plates, doilies, and table linen, which it may stain permanently--but what the hell, it's the effect that matters. To serve, use a nice, big Psycho-style chef's knife and stab the side of the gelatin about one third of the way up from the pointed end of the heart. Twist the knife slightly, and blood will start to ooze out. Bare your teeth like a Marine jabbing with bayonet, and widen the wound. When the blood is coming at a good slip, grab a dessert plate, and cut a slice from one of the lobes of the heart. Flip it onto the plate, and drizzle it with blood by holding it under the edge of the pedestal. Add whipped cream and serve.

This dish delights all five senses:
1. Sight: red, glossy, and elegantly surreal when the blood starts to flow.
2. Taste: sweeeet.
3. Smell: classic artificial-fruity
4. Touch: cold and wiggly.
5. Hearing: the screaming of guests.

Countdown To Halloween--Day 5 (Charles Addams!)

2011-10-05T22:20:00.000-04:00

Probably no one could do Halloween like Charles Addams (nice profile here)!

In searching The New Yorker's online archive I happened across two non-Addams Halloween covers I particularly like:

Countdown Lagniappe 2

2011-10-04T14:46:00.000-04:00

In my previous post, I babbled about Dick Smith's Do-It-Yourself Monster Make-Up Handbook and its influence on an entire generation of Monster Kids. I neglected to add "And after we tore up Mom's make-up table and Dad's workshop, we went on to make our own monster movies." No, really; lots of kids did... including the kid posse of which I was a part (Moriser Productions, {Severely} Ltd.). Here's the proof:

THE FRANKENSTEIN EXPERIMENT

Yes, that is your humble blogger as the monster.

See me on fire starting at 7:36 and fully ablaze at 8:40.

And that's not acting, that's panic.

THE RING

Countdown To Halloween--Day 4 (Make-Up!)

2011-10-04T00:01:00.037-04:00

When I was a kid, way, way back in the 'Sixties, when the world was young and Shock Theater ruled the airwaves, when Forrest J Ackerman was nigh-on a god and Famous Monsters of Filmland was the Word and the Light, there one day appeared on the newsstands a special edition of FM, the...

And, oh! The World changed for many a Monster Kid! Now, instead of reading about monsters and thinking about monsters and dreaming of monsters, we could BECOME MONSTERS! At least, for a little while (though our parents might have disagreed).

Halloween would never be the same. The cheesy Collegeville costumes from the local five and dime? Forget 'em. Kid stuff. Let's raid mom's make-up table for eyebrow pencils and cold cream, figure out how to get our hands on some liquid latex and mortician's wax, appropriate ping pong balls, model paints, Karo syrup, food coloring, brushes and sponges and gauze and whatever, take over the bathroom and MAKE SOME MONSTERS! Rick Baker started out this way during his freshman year of high school, as a matter of fact.

Oh, it was great, messy, sometimes disappointing and sometimes surprising fun!

The Handbook stayed in print for some years, then eventually became a collector's item. Eventually, Imagine, Inc. acquired the rights and published it as a paperbound volume through five editions. It's currently out of print, but used copies are available all over the Intarwebs.

Better still, walt74 has made the pages of the original handbook available as a flickr set. If you're looking for a good introduction to fantasy make-up, if you need a few good ideas for this year's Halloween costume, if you're thinking about doing a Zombie Walk but don't know how to zombify yourself (and, especially, if you want to learn the secret to making gallons of stage quickly and cheaply), look no further!

The blogger in his decadent Super-8 youth, make-up and fx courtesy of JSam:

Countdown To Halloween--Day 3 (Poetry!)

2011-10-03T00:01:00.001-04:00

My mother, the English teacher, loved poetry (and Greek mythology, but that's another story) and instilled a similar love in me through the simple expedient of reading aloud. Of course, being the twisted child I was, I particularly enjoyed those poems delving into the darker side of things. My mother didn't-- she particularly hated "The Yarn of the 'Nancy Bell'," wherein a sailor sings of being "a cook and a captain bold/And the mate of the Nancy brig/And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite/And the crew of the captain's gig," a circumstance that came about after being shipwrecked and eating the other survivors.

Anyway, here are some suitably Halloween-ish verses.

LITTLE ORPHANT ANNIE
by: James Whitcomb Riley (1849-1916)

INSCRIBED WITH ALL FAITH AND AFFECTION

To all the little children: -- The happy ones; and sad ones;
The sober and the silent ones; the boisterous and glad ones;
The good ones -- Yes, the good ones, too; and all the lovely bad ones.

Little Orphant Annie's come to our house to stay,
An' wash the cups an' saucers up, an' brush the crumbs away,
An' shoo the chickens off the porch, an' dust the hearth, an' sweep,
An' make the fire, an' bake the bread, an' earn her board-an'-keep;
An' all us other childern, when the supper-things is done,
We set around the kitchen fire an' has the mostest fun
A-list'nin' to the witch-tales 'at Annie tells about,
An' the Gobble-uns 'at gits you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

Wunst they wuz a little boy wouldn't say his prayers,--
An' when he went to bed at night, away up-stairs,
His Mammy heerd him holler, an' his Daddy heerd him bawl,
An' when they turn't the kivvers down, he wuzn't there at all!
An' they seeked him in the rafter-room, an' cubby-hole, an' press,
An' seeked him up the chimbly-flue, an' ever'-wheres, I guess;
But all they ever found wuz thist his pants an' roundabout:--
An' the Gobble-uns 'll git you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

An' one time a little girl 'ud allus laugh an' grin,
An' make fun of ever' one, an' all her blood-an'-kin;
An' wunst, when they was "company," an' ole folks wuz there,
She mocked 'em an' shocked 'em, an' said she didn't care!
An' thist as she kicked her heels, an' turn't to run an' hide,
They wuz two great big Black Things a-standin' by her side,
An' they snatched her through the ceilin' 'fore she knowed what she's about!
An' the Gobble-uns 'll git you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

An' little Orphant Annie says, when the blaze is blue,
An' the lamp-wick sputters, an' the wind goes woo-oo!
An' you hear the crickets quit, an' the moon is gray,
An' the lightnin'-bugs in dew is all squenched away,--
You better mind yer parunts, an' yer teachurs fond an' dear,
An' churish them 'at loves you, an' dry the orphant's tear,
An' he'p the pore an' needy ones 'at clusters all about,
Er the Gobble-uns 'll git you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

HAUNTED HOUSE
By Jack Prelutsky

There's a house upon the hilltop
We will not go inside
For that is where the witches live,
Where ghosts and goblins hide.

Tonight they have their party,
All the lights are burning bright,
But oh we will not go inside
The haunted house tonight.

The demons there are whirling
And the spirits swirl about.
They sing their songs to Halloween.
"Come join the fun," they shout.

But we do not want to go there
So we run with all our might
And oh we will not go inside
The haunted house tonight.

VINCENT

By Tim Burton

Vincent Malloy is seven years old

He’s always polite and does what he’s told

For a boy his age, he’s considerate and nice

But he wants to be just like Vincent Price

(and the rest)

HALLOWEEN

by Stephen Lynch

Countdown To Halloween-- Day 2 (Postcards!)

2011-10-02T00:01:00.049-04:00

I love vintage Halloween postcards! I'd collect 'em if I could, but they're tremendously popular and, consequently, hideously expensive. And, too, it's not as if my apartment needs to be filled with any more bric-a-brac.

Last year I had great fun with postcards and discovered Halloween was the time for unmarried women to see their future husbands.

These particular ones happen to be a little more... interesting... than most.

(ahem!)

Guess Pedobear is superfluous on Halloween.

This could be (mis)interpreted in so many ways.

Ah! Hot turn-o'-the-century babes!

Is the moon staring at... her ass?

Her expression seems to indicate things are not all that... uh... nightmarish.
Post-orgasmic, maybe, but not nightmarish.

WTF? I mean, really! WTF?

What was her candy laced with?

Yep, that's me-- looking for the obscure, the outré, and the possibly obscene so you don't have to.

Countdown Lagniappe 1

2011-10-01T14:16:00.000-04:00

Spotted on reddit a year or so ago and I agree, it's the most amazing Halloween costume ever!

Countdown To Halloween-- Day 1 (Books!)

2011-10-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

What's this dusty, sad-looking website over here? Aw, jeez; it's my BLOG, poor neglected thing. But that's okay, it's October and time for another round of Countdown To Halloween, wherein I attempt to... to... well, let's let the organizers explain:

"The Halloween Countdown is something of a virtual neighborhood to go trick or treating in. Imagine a neighborhood where all of the neighbors really got into the spirit of the holiday and went all out with decorating their yards and homes and on top of that also handed out the coolest treats whenever some kid in a costume rang their doorbell. Well, you are that kid in a costume, and the participants in the countdown are the neighbors with the cool houses and candy. When you visit their blogs, you will essentially be ringing their doorbell and shouting 'Trick or treat.' rewarded by a solid thunk at the bottom of your plastic Halloween bucket which is their post for the day. In a way that's even better than the actual Halloween (no way! I hear you saying) you get to ring their doorbell and trick or treat every single day throughout October. Not only that, but there is bound to be over 100 houses for you to visit each day as well."

If you know me at all, then you know I revel in Halloween. Other holidays are, well, they're okay, but Halloween? Halloween is special. Halloween is about darkness and night and imagination; it's about what if.... It's wondering what, exactly, caused that noise in the cellar just now and whether things that go bump in the night should be investigated... or quietly ignored from beneath the safety of the bed covers. It's cooling temperatures and cold, crisp apples, it's falling leaves and skeletal trees outlined against the twilight autumn sky...

I just gave myself the shivers.

Now, since I have a major book obsession, I figured this year I'd start off with some Halloween-related reading material. You know, just some little somethings to help us get into the spirit of things. Caveat: these are items on my Wish List; I don't own any of them yet, but a cursory glance makes me think these would be fantastic additions to anyone's Library of Spooky Stuff.

Halloween Nation: Behind the Scenes of America's Fright Night by Lesley Pratt Bannatyne (nice review by Spooky Little Girl).

Halloween: An American Holiday, An American History by Lesley Pratt Bannatyne.

Death Makes A Holiday: A Cultural History of Halloween by David J. Skal (author of The Monster Show: A Cultural History of Horror, which I have read and which is, pardon the expression, frightfully good).

Extreme Pumpkins: Diabolical Do-It-Yourself Designs To Amuse Your Friends and Scare Your Neighbors by Tom Nardone.

Extreme Pumpkins II: Take Back Halloween and Freak Out A Few More Neighbors by Tom Nardone
"At what point did the carving of pumpkins turn into a "cute" event? When did boys stop carving pumpkins and moms start? Where did we lose touch with one of the year's coolest events?"

"Today we will seize back this ritual. Today is the day we throw away those safe, cute carving tools. Today we will buy a big, ugly, pumpkin so large one man cannot lift or move it. Today. We will carve that sumbitch into something ugly and plop it on the front porch. October 31st we will light it brightly enough to give visiting children suntans."

"Pumpkin carving is reborn."

October Dreams: A Celebration of Halloween ed. by Richard Chizmar & Robert Morrish.

And because I live in Richmond, VA, Richmond Macabre: Nightmares From The River City ed. by Beth Brown and Phil Ford (review here).

Not directly Halloween-related and not available until Oct. 24, but this looks to be quite the, uh, coffin-table book (sorry): The Empire of Death: A Cultural History of Ossuaries and Charnal Houses by Paul Koudounaris.

"The sites in this specially photographed and brilliantly original study range from the Monastery of Santa Maria delle Grazie in Palermo, where the living would visit mummified or skeletal remains and lovingly dress them; to the Paris catacombs; to fantastic bone-encrusted creations in Austria, Cambodia, the Czech Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, Germany, Greece, Italy, Peru, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Switzerland, and elsewhere."

"Paul Koudounaris photographed more than seventy sites for this book. He analyzes the role of these remarkable memorials within the cultures that created them, as well as the mythology and folklore that developed around them, and skillfully traces a remarkable human endeavor. 290 photographs, 260 in color. "

By the way, if you're at all familiar with the All Hallow's Read concept--during the week of Halloween, or on the night itself, give someone a scary book--these would be perfect!

Have at it!

For The Record (A Cave Mystery)

2011-06-08T22:55:00.001-04:00

So a couple of years ago I was looking up some information about my hometown (Waynesboro, VA) and ran across this:

"A cave entrance beneath a section of Riverview Cemetery was uncovered in the 1950s when the hill near Ridgeview Park was landscaped. Some caskets were relocated and the opening was sealed."
--"Riverview Cemetary (sic): A Walk-Through History"

Wait... what? How could I not know this? I immediately dashed off an e-mail to my friend, Cathy, former Waynesborian and fellow cave enthusiast.

Cathy: A cave? Cool! (Although I guess not exactly good for a cemetery!)

There is a cave opening in a cliff overlooking the river just past the park, overlooking where that little island used to be. (Local family) built a house on the land above it, and eventually they put up a fence to keep us kids from going near it. It was a big entrance, but it narrowed very quickly, so there was no real exploring opportunity. I wonder how many more caves are lurking in that area?

G. W.: I did not know that and it's funny you should ask. I was looking through my copy of Descriptions of Virginia Caves (Holsinger, 1975) last night and found a couple, either of which may be the one to which you're referring. If I was TRULY obsessive I'd enter the coordinates into Google Maps and see what's what!

BYLERS CAVE: Waynesboro East quadrangle (175D), lat. 38 deg. 05' 30" N., long. 79 deg. 55' 20" W., elev. 1400. This is a small, 50-foot long cave located near a barn. (Report by P. C. Lucas)

SKYLINE CAVE: Waynesboro East quadrangle (175D), lat. 38 deg. 05' 31 N., long. 78 deg. 55' 21" W., elev. 1400. The entrance is 15 feet wide and leads to a 30-foot-long passage that averages 3 feet in height. (Report by John Tichenor)

More are listed in Caves of Virginia (Douglas, 1964), but I don't have a copy (oh, I want one SO much); that book is long out of print. Descriptions there were not duplicated in the 1975 book, so I have no details on the cave at Coyner Springs, for example. I suppose there's always interlibrary loan...

Cathy: We were forbidden to go to that cave overlooking the river, but that didn't stop my neighborhood cadre back in the day! We discovered it long before the (local family) built that house. (Well, long in terms of kid time. I'm sure it was probably a year or two max before they put up the fence.) I wonder if you could see it from the river... or if foliage has grown up to obscure it. Or maybe the (local family) (or another owner) sealed it up, a la the Coiner Springs cave. You can hardly find that anymore--so much foliage over the big concrete slab.

So... Where do you think this cave at the cemetery could be located? would it have been in the side of the hill? How could it have gone unnoticed until landscaping... the hill is not really WOODED or anything... I'm just full of questions.

G. W.: You're asking the EXACT same questions I'VE been asking. Last night I discovered that both the Virginia Historical Society and the Virginia State Library have copies of Caves of Virginia (1964) amongst* their holdings, probably also the Richmond Area Speleological Society, so I figure those are good places to start looking for further information**. I'm also thinking seriously about contacting this K. W. Stanley, who wrote the article to which I linked, and finding out where he got HIS information.

Some cave entrances get covered with dirt and rubble over time; it's entirely possible it was hidden from view until someone did some digging and happened upon it by accident. Actually, I gather this happens fairly frequently.

I am DYING to know more, especially since I LOVE a good mystery! Hot damn, a project at last!

And all this has inspired me to renew my long-lapsed membership in the National Speleological Society.

*"Amongst." Did I REALLY just type "amongst"? Who writes like that?

**I looked at U. VA's copy years ago when I lived in C'ville and meant to photocopy the Augusta Co. section but never got around to it. There were some neat entries--he talked about a small cave in Staunton's Gypsy Hill Park (there's another one outside the park described in Holsinger as "a low, muddy crawl of no significance) and mentions that children used to play there and left candles. The cave at Coyner Springs is mentioned, so it is very likely there'll be an entry for this one.

Cathy: Let me know what you find out... I'm trying to recall anyplace that smacked of sealed up cave up there. We used to play up there a fair amount, it being nearby and everyone having a penchant for being creeped out and scared... I would think it would on or near the slope of the hill, but there were no graves ON the slope. If I recall, there is concrete surrounding or near that brick caretakers building--I wonder if that could have anything to do with it. Damn... why did I not know this as a kid. I would have been SO into exploring! Looking for alternate entrances and such. I'm sure one lies beneath the skeery Withrow monument...

G. W.: This occurred to me: what if the reporter or his source got the facts wrong or just plain misremembered? The cemetery behind The Purple Foot/Centre For Shopping rests on similar terrain. Yeah, I've got to look into this more (ahem!) deeply.

And funny you should mention alternate entrances. I've often wondered if there are any to the Coyner Springs cave, so why not the Riverview? And what if the cave you mentioned (which I also want to know more about) and Ridgeview CONNECTED? Okay, that's not likely, but it's a GREAT fantasy.

--Interesting...

Later...

Bought a copy of Caves of Virginia (1964) via Amazon for $50 and received it yesterday; did a lot of cross-referencing with Descriptions of Virginia Caves (1975) and Google Maps Satellite View*. Bottom line: there are a couple of recorded caves northeast of Coiner Springs near the railroad tracks and not too far from where my parents lived on Nicholson Dr. (that whole Stratford Commons housing development), Bylers and Skyline (see previous e-mail), but nothing listed east of there. This doesn't mean the Ridgeview and the other cave aren't known; it just means they weren't listed in these two surveys. Many more caves have been described since then**(1700 by 2002, bringing Virginia's total to 4000), but the current feeling amongst NSS/VSS members is never again will precise locations be available to the general public. This makes things a little difficult for me to research.

On the other hand, we may yet be on to something--these caves (if the Riverview one exists) may not be known.

I'm particularly interested in tracking down the Baugher cave entrance and getting its GPS coordinates (guess I'll be buying one of those handheld thingies soon) at the very least, so I may soon combine a visit to Mom with a little hiking and exploring.

By the way, here's the Coiner Spring cave description:
lat. 38-03-12; long. 78-55-56 "The cave is 3 mi. SW of Waynesboro at Waynesboro City spring (Coiner Spring) and is about 125 ft. long."

And Gypsy Hill Park:
lat. 38-09-47; long. 79-05-00 "It consists of 2 small rooms filled with candles brought in by children. Very warm and dry."

*Which is just a DANGEROUS thing to play with, given its timesucking potential.

** http://www.virginiacaves.org/4000Caves.html
See also the "Our History" link at the Virginia Speleological Survey webpage.

Cathy: Cool!

Here's the thing with the cave (if they haven't closed it off, which they well might have. It really was the very definition of attractive nuisance, even if it was too narrow to get into)--remember where that island was in the river right near where the park ended and the (local family's) property began? Before there was a fence (and before the house was built--and I think that was probably around '67 or so), there were some bushes blocking the way. So we'd wade in the shallow water between the island and the riverbank to get around. Maybe the reason the cave isn't noted anywhere is that you could not go into it, as it just narrowed down to a very tiny crack very quickly. There was enough room for one (maybe two) kids to sit in the mouth of it, though, shallow as it was. We used to sneak in after they put up the fence too, but once they built that little tram skycar to the ill-fated house they built for the daughter and her husband across the river (the house was destroyed by either the Camille or Agnes flood--can't recall which now--not sure of the fate of the skycar), we didn't make the attempt anymore.

The upshot being... approach the site from the shallows of the river in that spot. The (local family's) home is on a cliff that looms above where the island was (or, maybe another has formed there since they dredged it out decades ago?), and the cave mouth is in the cliff, about halfway up, IIRC.

I don't remember the Gypsy Hill Cave as a kid, although I read about it later--maybe when I was in high school. Is it sealed now? I think so.

And of course, the Coiner Spring cave, the concrete seal of which is so overgrown now it's hard to locate it--at least that was the case the last time I was there a couple of years ago. I remember being SO insulted and angry when we went there on our 1st grade school picnic to find it sealed up... but I swear the concrete block moved aslant between the time we discovered it was sealed and the time we packed up to head for home. Creeped me out! But it was probably just my overactive imagination... again.

Maybe some ridge-walking is in order along the crest of that cemetery hill there!

The blocked cave entrance at Coyner Springs

Oh, by the way... Don't know if you have heard about the new passages and rather amazing formations discovered rather recently (within the last decade, at least) in Grand Caverns...

I found these photos when I was researching for the novel, and I used them as reference for Grace and Stuart's private off trail adventure (unfortunately, there is now a very obnoxious popup that looms there... but some of the speleothems are cool--an anthodite too, which puts the kybosh on Skyline Cavern's claims...)

So, of course, I had to track down the cave by the river and take some pics:

Cathy: Wow! I never realized there were THREE openings (maybe four, given the looks of the base of the cliff). We used to climb up to the biggest opening (the one on the top right) and sit in it on hot days. Only one or two of us could fit there, as you can see. There was a "beach" at the base of the cliff--it was right across from the island, and the river was VERY shallow. Maybe the opening at the cliff bottom was covered up by the sand and pebbles. They REALLY dredged that island away, huh??

The other openings must have been hidden by vines and such--there was a lot of vegetation on the cliff. And I remember the rock being much redder. Hmmm. So much for accurate memories!

That is so cool!

But DAMN! That cave. I know that the big opening constricts severely a foot or so into the bluff, so there is no way to squeeze through that. I expect the other openings are similar. But that one at the bottom... now that could have possibilities. Wouldn't it be cool if there were beautifully decorated "rooms" beneath the park? Odds are that there are no big chambers, but still... A girl can hope, can't she?

But the question remained, is there a connection between the cave openings by the river and the cave in the cemetery? I posed this question on Facebook and got this response from a local:

Cavern under the cemetery
allright dude... my aunt shirley told me when she was a little girl, granddad and her went to the west side of the park and up the river. about where the cable car is (was) they found a small cave there that had a draw. granddaddy built a fire in front of the cave and said there had to be an outlet somewhere so they headed back to their house (on linden before any other houses or road even were built just a dirt road) on the way back they saw smoke coming out on top of the hill (cemetery). they walked to find the smoke was coming out the middle of a clump of cedar trees right out the middle of them. the trees are still there i dont get it but thats what i was told. ive seen the cave by the river before in the 80s. she is 70yrs old now so when they were there she was 8yrs old or younger so were talking in the late 1940s so there you go man hope you enjoyed this.

So the bottom line is this: there's a possibly undocumented cave system running from Riverview Cemetery to the banks of the South River, a decent distance, in Waynesboro, VA. It may or may not be explorable, but it's there.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2011-06-07T15:31:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I had a birthday a couple of days ago. No big deal--56 going on 16 if you're really interested--and not a particularly eventful day, though I did get a couple of unexpected birthday cards, one from my aunt in Albuquerque (where you're supposed to turn left) and one from my Uncle John in Hagerstown, MD (Uncle John is the "Porter" in those Lionel-Porter chemistry sets so popular amongst budding mad scientists in the early '60s).

My mother, unfortunately, is in no state to remember my birthday (due to "advancing senile dementia of the Alzheimer's type"), so the one person who was most likely to send me a card or gift is no longer capable of doing so. That's okay, though; I got lots of birthday wishes via Facebook and one singular present from me to me:

That's a Smith & Wesson* H. R. T. (for "Hostage Rescue Team") out-the-front spring-assisted knife (not a switchblade, technically speaking) with 3" blade.**

I have no earthly reason for owning one; in fact, since I wouldn't dare carry it outside the house, its primary purpose is as a glorified letter/package opener...

A letter opener that looks way-cool and goes "shhhhh-CHING!" with a little, slightly awkward, manipulation.

But it's great fun to play with, though the cat becomes a little concerned when I stalk around the living room with the day's mail saying, "Why? So? SERIOUS?"

Hey, I'm an easily amused 16-yr.-old trapped in a middle-aged body.

*It's actually manufactured by Taylor Brands LLC; they merely licensed the S & W name.

**Interesting note: in Virginia, where I live, it is not technically illegal to own a switchblade; however, it is illegal to sell, trade, or barter one and, in a classic example of Catch-22, possession is considered to be prima facie evidence of intent to sell.

Annerky's Birthday Bash!

2011-05-29T08:13:00.001-04:00

So my friend Annerky (remember Annerky? I wrote a haiku about Annerky) threw herself a birthday party at Babes of Carytown last night! Hijinks ensued (click to embiggen):

The first to arrive (Annerky is in blue).

"PAAAAAAAAR-TEEEEEE!!!

Silly String bukkake, soon to be a birthday tradition.

Flowers provided by Sarah J.

On the dance floor.

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact, it IS my birthday!"

"OMG, I'm THIRTY-FOUR!!!"

"But the vast array of beauteous babes will distract me from my age."

Six Pseudohaikus

2011-05-23T13:53:00.002-04:00

Or, what goes through my head at 2:00 a. m.

(1) On Coffee
Delicious caffeine!

Dark potion of wakefulness.

Another cup, please.

(2) Up Late

No sleep for the geek.

Adrenaline and coffee

Make my neurons fire.

(3) When I'm In Pain

Fuck off, aspirin!

My backache deserves much more.

Ibuprofen rules!

(4) Concerning the Recent Rapture

Don't worry, Raptoids!

You misread your timetable?

X-Day is coming.

(5) To A Facebook Friend

Silly Annerky!

You poke me and I poke you.

It's almost like sex.

(6) An Evening's Entertainment
World domination!
With a simple game of Risk
Sarah rapes us both.

An Evening of Risk

2011-05-21T13:44:00.000-04:00

I've never been one to turn down a opportunity for humiliation, so when my friend Sarah-the-Game-Shark texted, "wanna play risk tonite?" ("tonite" being Friday night, the eve before the most recent Rapture prediction), I readily agreed.

Intense concentration by all as we set up the board

(Bobby is gray, Sarah is red and yellow,

I'm blue... in more ways than one).

Sarah demonstrates how she will make

Africa her bitch with her camel toe.

"This looks bad."

"Hmmm... perhaps the Middle East should be next to fall."

A few rounds later and...

"VICTORY IS MINE!"

Sometimes You Can't Win

2011-05-16T22:39:00.000-04:00

Since we all know The Internet Is Made of Cats, I feel it is my solemn duty to post the occasional pic of King Sid the First, Master of Fluffiness, Lord High Consumer of All Things Tuna, and Designated Scourge of Displaced Crickets.

Which I did the other day at my Facebook account:

His Majesty upon his favorite perch.

And which precipitated the following exchange:

Sarah: Creepy cat lady

JR: really Sarah....ahem...

Sarah: Show me a picture on facebook of me and a cat!

JR: dont need to, you and (Big Gay) an{ne} are conspiring cat ladies and blackberry birthers...

Sarah: Blackberry birthers!? All I'm saying is that cat ladies stay at home and make people look at pictures of their cats. That is {G. W.}.

Well, okay, it's true I rarely leave the apartment except by necessity and I did post a cat pic, but hey! >>>I<<< don't force people to view an image of my Stinky Shoes (as Sarah did recently). I may be a recluse, but I've got some class!

Okay, I don't.

Easter On Parade

2011-04-24T21:47:00.000-04:00

So I decided to check out Richmond (VA)'s "Easter on Parade" since it was a nice Spring day and I had nothing better to do. This is an annual tradition wherein the city cordons off a few blocks of Monument Avenue and allows the locals to strut their stuff.

The crowds were ENORMOUS...

...but no one needed to break out the loaves and fishes
because there were plenty of concession stands offering
all sorts of delectables, including the traditional funnel cake.

Some of the residents prepped their lawns nicely for the festivities...

...while the ladies decorated themselves with Easter bonnets.

Should anyone be hungry, there was funnel cake...

...and a watering spot for dogs...

...who also sported an array of bonnets.

There was a fire juggler on a unicycle...

...a living Easter bunny...

..and a, uh, statuesque, Easter bunny...

...and funnel cake!

All of which, ultimately, led us to the true meaning of Easter:

Model dinosaurs on model cargo ships.

Trying My Hand at Oil Painting

2011-01-04T07:09:00.001-05:00

Books Read in 2010

2011-01-03T10:00:00.041-05:00

1. 3/Jan/10--The Futurist by James P. Othmer (2006).
2. 4/Jan/10--Dick Smith's Do-It-Yourself Monster Make-Up Handbook by Dick Smith (1985).
3. 7/Jan/10--The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (2002).
4. 11/Jan/10--Farnham's Freehold by Robert A. Heinlein (1964, 1992).
5. 11/Jan/10--The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter (1979, 1993).
6. 16/Jan/10--Tripwire by Lee Child (1999).
7. 1/Feb/10--The Big Nowhere by James Ellroy (1988).
8. 4/Feb/10--Slow Learner: Early Stories by Thomas Pynchon (1984).
9. 7/Feb/10--In Suspect Terrain by John McPhee (1982).
10. 11/Feb/10--The Log From the Sea of Cortez by John Steinbeck (1951).
11. 14/Feb/10--Tales of the MADMAN Underground by John Barnes (2009).
12. 15/Feb/10--Hit and Run by Lawrence Block (2008).
13. 19/Feb/10--This Is Not A Game by Walter Jon Williams (2008).
14. 28/Feb/10--Gilligan's Wake by Tom Carson (2003).
15. 4/Mar/10--Richmond Noir ed. by Andrew Blossom, Brian Castleberry, & Tom De Haven (2010).
16, 8/Mar/10--Random Acts of Senseless Violence by Jack Womack (1993).
17. 14/Mar/10--Deep Storm by Lincoln Child (2007).
18. 19/Mar/10--The Armageddon Rag by George R. R. Martin (1983).
19. 22/Mar/10--Little Brother by Cory Doctorow (2008).
20. 27/Mar/10--Thunderhead by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child (1999).
21. 29/Mar/10--Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life by Neil Strauss (2009).
22. 19/Apr/10--The Lives of John Lennon by Albert Goldman (1988).
23. 30/Apr/10--Homicide: A Year On the Killing Streets by David Simon (1991).
24. 10/May/10--Sidewalk by Mitchell Duneier (1999).
25. 21/May/10--A Walk On the Wild Side by Nelson Algren (1956).
26. 21/Jun/10--Knee Deep In Paradise by Brett Butler (1996).
27. 8/Jul/10--The Fountains of Paradise by Arthur C. Clarke (1978).
28. 13/Jul/10--Pattern Recognition by William Gibson (2003).
29. 5/Aug/10--Walking the Appalachian Trail by Larry Luxenberg & Mike Warren (1994).
30. 21/Aug/10--Neon Angel: A Memoir of a Runaway by Cherie Currie & Tony O'Neill (2010).
31. 22/Aug/10-- Main Lines, Blood Feasts, and Bad Taste: A Lester Bangs Reader by Lester Bangs, ed. by John Morthland (2003).
32. 23/Aug/10--Turn Left At the Trojan Horse by Brad Herzog (2010).
33. 24/Aug/10--Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain (2000).
34. 26/Aug/10--The Walk by Lee Goldberg (2004).
35. 28/Aug/10--Look Me In the Eye: My Life With Asperger's by John Elder Robison (2007).
36. 31/Aug/10--Role Models by John Waters (2009).
37. 7/Sept/10--Barefoot Sisters: Southbound by Lucy & Susan Letcher (2009).
38. 18/Sept/10--Dishwasher by Pete Jordan (2007).
39. 26/Sept/10--The Portable Henry Rollins by Henry Rollins (1998).

On the Last Day of the Year...

2011-01-01T09:47:00.004-05:00

...I met up with my friends Anne and Tad at Barnes & Noble, partly to catch up with what's going on in their lives (they have lives, you see; I'm envious) and partly to donate a slew of Hot Wheels®/Johnny Lightning® cars to their son's cause (and why I had a slew of Hot Wheels®/Johnny Lightning® cars is a tale for another time). Little did I suspect this would be the source of a Spooky Story.

Okay, not spooky exactly; it was simply one of those coincidences/synchronicities/small world occurrences that make my life just a little more surreal.

We were all hanging out in the Children's Section drinking coffee because (1), the Children's Section is much cooler than the café and (2), the café was too crowded anyway (oh, and {3}, no one cares if you sprawl on the floor in the Children's Section; adults are so fussy about such things, especially if you start to twiddle with their shoelaces), yakking about this, snarking about that when these two adorable kids and their mom wander in and position themselves directly in front of us (click to embiggen):

Check out the book titles to the left of the little girl.

I quickly cleaned up my language, made damn sure Anne was sitting close enough to me to be seen as part of my entourage (because big hulking solitary males sans offspring and/or significant others in the Children's Section are a legitimate cause for parental concern), lowered my (booming) voice, and continued my monologue about visiting Mom in Waynesboro Christmas Day.

Mom: "Are you from Waynesboro?"
Me: "Well, yes, originally. I was born in Richmond, grew up in Waynesboro, then went to school in Blacksburg, then New Orleans, then worked in Boston, Charlottesville, and now back here."
Mom: "My husband's from Waynesboro!"
Me: "Really? (being polite) What's his name?"
Mom: (name)
Me: OMG! He used to live across the alley from us! (blah, blah, blah, this and that, boring reminiscing)

And then everyone went on about his/her business, Anne, Tad, and I finally leaving to transfer Hot Wheels® from my car to theirs.

Then on the way home it hit me: "Wait a minute... her husband can't be the man I'm thinking of, the up-and-coming local lawyer with the hot wife (who sunbathed in the back yard viewable from my bedroom window) and the miniature collie who lived in the old Doyle house. That man would be in his... ten, twenty thirty... O! M! G! HIS SEVENTIES! HER HUSBAND IS HIS SON! THE... GRANDFATHER... OF THOSE KIDS!"

And I felt terribly, terribly old for the rest of the day.

Welcome, 2011!

2011-01-01T00:01:00.003-05:00

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art-- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."
--Neil Gaiman

"Happy New Year. Stand on the neck of 2010 and throatpunch the future."
--Warren Ellis

Book Covers I Love

2010-12-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

Because I'm feeling nostalgic but don't feel like writing diddly-squat (click to embiggen).

Mom and Dad and Jimi Hendrix--A Christmas Memory

2010-12-25T01:10:00.002-05:00

I'm no Truman Capote and there will be no tales tonight of dotty aunts, illicit liquor, fruitcake-making, nor presents exchanged by those who had nothing to give.

This is a story, a brief one, about Mom, Dad, and Jimi Hendrix.

Back when my father was alive and my mother lived in the Real World we'd go through this little dance every December: "What do you want for Christmas? Do you have your list ready?" Dad, being typical of his generation, never did. If he needed something during the course of the year he bought it, so his "list," such as it was, consisted of whatever occurred to him at the moment someone asked. "Well," he might say, "I can always use socks... and underwear... maybe a white shirt with French cuffs... uh... that's about it."

Yawn.

Mom, on the other hand, was a little more prepared: "Which list do you want? Things for the house? Things for me? The expensive list? The less expensive list? The cheap list? Silly items? Serious items? Wait... they're here in my purse somewhere... (rustle of papers)"

And me? I had a massive list of books I'd heard about over the course of the year-- like that surprised anyone. "You know, dear," Mom would say yearly, "we love buying books for you, but it's more exciting when we get to go to different stores looking for things." I understood. Their book-buying spree was simply a trip to Barnes & Noble in Charlottesville where Dad would accost some cute, young female clerk, hand her my list, then wander off with Mom to the coffee shop where they'd sip the brew o' the day and wait for the CYFC to check in periodically asking if this was too much or too little or too few. It probably took all of an hour.

(I gather I could have had a slew of dates based solely on the various CYFCs' reactions to my book lists; I'm nothing if not an eclectic reader and I certainly come across as immensely, cool, suave, hip and sophisticated... on paper)

Anyway, one year after another "You know, dear..." statements I decided to mix it up a bit-- add some silly books to the list (That Darn Squid God being one of 'em), throw in a few non-sensible (if not nonsensical) items (Psycho House snow globe, glow-in-the-dark planets 'n' stars ceiling stickers, etc.), and because it amused me to do so, a request for The Most Hideous Tee-Shirt I'd Ever Seen, a tie-dyed, DayGlo Jimi Hendrix print. Oh, sweet CROM, it was ugly!

I'd spotted this particular item at an artsy-fartsy gift shop called Coyote across from U. VA and figured even if my parents didn't buy it (and I didn't expect them to), they'd get a kick out of wandering around amongst the hipster bric-a-brac, this being about as far from anything they could imagine as I could imagine.

I underestimated them.

Christmas morning that year as I began to unwrap one particular package Dad ahem-ed and said, "Once you open that, your mother has a story to tell you."

Yes, it was the Hideous Hendrix Tee. "The only one they had was on the wall," Mom said, "and we had to make that nice young girl behind the counter climb a ladder to get it down. She kept looking at us and then the shirt and then back at us the whole time..."

Let me set the scene for you a little as I imagine it. It's the 'Eighties. My parents never went anywhere without being impeccably dressed, Dad in a three-piece suit, hat, gloves, long overcoat (the height of fashion in 1963) and my mom dressed as if going to a fancy winter party except without the otherwise obligatory hat and white gloves ("I could never stand wearing those things; I was so glad when they went out of style"). Some petite U. VA student working part-time while polishing her undergraduate thesis on Like, Y'Know, Intensely Feminist Themes in Really, Truly Obscure Medieval Literary Fragments.

Dad continued. "So she's looking at the two of us and your mother" (the very proper, very well-read, very formal 9th Grade English teacher) "leans over and whispers, 'Dear, we were at Woodstock.'"

Twenty-five or so years later and thinking of this story still almost makes me wet my pants.

And yes, I do still have the Hideous Hendrix Tee:

Sleep-Deprived, Caffeinated, With Brain Set to "Random"

2010-12-21T05:45:00.006-05:00

Today, of course, is the Winter Solstice and the morning after the last lunar eclipse of 2010, for which I gave up a perfectly good night's sleep to trudge around in the cold and dark with a pair of binoculars and a big-ass cup of coffee. Being as I was alone and unsupervised (but not with easy access to a computer... this time), my mind began to wander to the Greater Fishersville Flying Nipple Flap.

In the early '60s I was a Flying Saucer Fanatic. This is not as weird as it might seem today; for one, in the early '60s most people were interested in flying saucers/UFOs-- we were in the midst of the Third Wave of Ufology-- and I jumped on the bandwagon with all the enthusiasm a geeky 9-yr.-old could muster. I mean, Flying Saucers! Weird Things in the Sky! Maybe from SPACE! Possibly full of ALIENS! HOT DAMN (or words to that effect)! People were seeing UFOs all over the country, all over the world; the newspapers and magazines (that's what we had before the Intarwebs and Twitter and Facebook and HEY, YOU KIDS! GET AWAY FROM MY WOOLLY MAMMOTH!) were filled with reports of sightings, which was quite the boon to the publishing industry who rushed all sorts of books of greater and lesser quality into print.

This book was fun. Wish I still had my copy.

Even my hometown of Waynesboro, VA had a rash of sightings, my favorite, 45 yrs. later, being The Man Who Saw the Flying Nipple on, appropriately enough, December 21, 1964.

A gunsmith had a close encounter with a beehive-shaped UFO in rural Fisherville, Virginia. At five o’clock in the afternoon Mr. Burns was driving east on highway Route 250 east of Staunton when a 125-foot wide, beehive-shaped UFO slowly crossed the roadway ahead of him, causing his car to stall. As the metallic looking UFO descended it narrowly missed hitting some power lines. There was a bluish glow from the bottom. As it left, it rose to about 200 feet in altitude, tilted slightly, then disappeared quickly into the northeast. The car could then be restarted. Geiger counter tests showed abnormally high radioactivity in the area. (Sources: Donald B. Hanlon, Flying Saucer Review, March-April 1966, p. 14; Gordon I. R. Lore and Harold H. Dennault, Jr., Mysteries of the Skies: UFOs in Perspective, p. 171; Mark Rodeghier, UFO Reports Involving Vehicle Interference, case 136; Richard Hall, The UFO Evidence (Volume II): A Thirty Year Report, p. 3).

Source: http://www.ufoevolution.com/forums/calendar.php?do=getinfo&day=2019-12-21&c=1

At approximately 5:00 p.m. on the evening of December 21, as he drove east along Route 250 between Staunton and Waynesboro, Virginia, Horace Burns, a gunsmith in Harrisonburg, saw an immense cone-shaped object cross low over the highway ahead of him.

It was moving in a north to south direction at a slow speed estimated to be about 15 mph. The point of the cone was tipped slightly forward in the object's line of flight.

It crossed the highway approximately 200 feet ahead of Burns and settled in a meadow to the right of the road, landing gently, "like a bubble." At the moment the object crossed the highway, Burns' car motor failed. The object settled in the field as he brought the car to a stop on the shoulder of the highway.

Burns got out of the car to get a better look. "It was 125 feet in diameter, at least, and 80 to 90 feet high," he later reported. Its circular, sloping sides rose toward the top in six large, concentric convolutions that decreased in diameter and were surmounted by a dome.

The object was so large, Burns said, that when it crossed the road ahead of him it had more than filled the entire width of his windshield. In the gathering darkness, Burns could not make out with certainty the exact nature of the object's surface material but it gave the appearance of a dull, metallic finish.

He saw no features such as windows, ports, doors, or seams on the object; however, extending around its base at a height of about six feet was a band of bluish-white light, sharply-edged and about 12 to 18 inches wide. The light was steady and did not flicker or dim. No landing gear was evident and the object seemed to rest lightly on the ground on a somewhat convexly curved undersurface.

Burns watched the object for from 60 to 90 seconds at a distance no greater than 150 yards when it suddenly rose straight up to a height of several hundred feet and, emitting a soft "whoosh" like rushing air, took off in a northeasterly direction at an exceedingly high rate of speed, again with its top tilted slightly forward in the line of motion. It disappeared from view in a matter of seconds.

Following its disappearance, Burns drove home and told his wife about his sighting, swearing he wouldn't tell another soul because "they'd think I'm crazy."

However, a few days later, a local radio program announced the formation of a UFO investigations group at Eastern Mennonite College, under the direction of Dr. Ernest G. Gehman, a professor of German at the college. At his wife's urging, Burns got in touch with Gehman by way of the radio station to report his observation.

On December 31, Dr. Gehman traveled alone to the landing site and made a geiger counter test of the area. An extremely high reading was obtained, and was verified by the arrival of two DuPont research engineers who, having heard about the landing, had driven to the site the same day Dr. Gehman made his investigation.

In fact, Dr. Gehman had been able to locate the landing spot (later verified by Burns) by the readings on his Geiger counter.

Source: http://www.nicap.org/newlook/section_VI.htm

Virginia History: More UFOs Sighted Locally and Statewide
Published: 12:04 PM 5/2/2010
By Charles Culbertson/contributor, mail@stauntonhistory.com

The December 1964 sighting of an alleged unidentified flying object on U.S. 250 just east of Staunton sparked massive public interest, an investigation by the U.S. Air Force and a number of what might be called "copycat" sightings.

One of them involved several Staunton teenagers who claimed to have had a close encounter with a spaceman.

By late January 1965, the story of Grottoes resident Horace Burns' sighting of the mysterious craft (which he said landed in a field between Staunton and Fishersville) had gained national media attention and was beginning to generate a rash of other sightings throughout the state.

UFOs were allegedly seen at Marion, Fredericksburg and South Boston.

Locally, UFOs were reported seen in Greenville and the Jollivue area.

"Despite mounting reports of UFOs, the Leander McCormick observatory on Mt. Jefferson at Charlottesville hasn't spotted a thing," wrote the Jan. 25 Staunton Leader. "Larry Frederick, chairman of the astronomy department at the University of Virginia, explained that the objects could be meteors since the last six weeks have produced some 'showering' activity."

Frederick said another possibility was that people were seeing the high-intensity landing lights of jets which "follow the main north-south and east-west flyways that criss-cross the area."

The most creative sighting was reported by a Staunton teenager who said that while riding on U.S. 250 at Brands Flat with some friends, he saw what looked like a man walking toward the road from a field.

The teen thought nothing of it until the man sat down alongside the road and began to examine the cars passing by.

The youth said he then realized that the man might have come from one of the spaceships recently reported in the area. He said he and his friends got out of the car and ran toward the man, who escaped over a hill.

Two other little men appeared and also ran away, he said.

"They left us way behind," said the teen, who described the men as about three and a half feet tall and wearing one-piece, skin-tight garments that were silver in color.

The boys reported their sighting to Staunton police, who sent 10 reservists and a photographer to the scene to investigate. They turned up nothing.

After they left, the teenager who had first spotted the "spacemen" and the photographer stayed to continue the search.

They said they came upon a "glowing" aluminum barn. The photographer allegedly entered the barn and was hit by something. When he and the teenager started to run, the photographer turned to take a picture of the barn.

The teen said that as the camera's flash bulb went off, its light showed one of the little men standing by the structure. That alleged photo has never been published, at least not locally.

Local UFO hysteria reached its height Jan. 28 when a number of Staunton residents carrying guns spread out along U.S. 250 to search for aliens.

"Gun-toting Staunton area residents who pursue 'little green men' were sharply criticized today by Augusta County Sheriff John E. Kent," reported the Leader.

Kent said "it is dangerous as well as ridiculous" for grown men to take to the fields and woods to look for nocturnal creatures who stray away from their spaceships and disappear.

Staunton Police Chief R. Ruff Cline said he believed "the whole thing is a hoax."

After that, local interest in UFOs and spacemen seemed to diminish, with the Leader firing a final satirical shot with a front-page photo of a spaceman in a flying saucer — concocted by staff photographer Dennis Sutton.

Permanent link: http://www.ufocasebook.com/2010/virginiahistory.html

So there you have it-- strange things happen on the Winter Solstice!

Eclipsed

2010-12-21T05:10:00.001-05:00

The alarm went off at 3:00 a. m. prompting me to wonder exactly how much is one man supposed to suffer for his Geekhood?

This much, I suppose: leave a perfectly good bed, warm and soft and comfortable (also covered in cat fur), reluctantly pull on the thermal undies, the near-clean clothes, a hoodie, gloves, and wool cap, start the water heating for some mega-caffeinated coffee, grab the binoculars and head out into the 28° F. morning air to see the first total lunar eclipse to occur during the winter solstice since A. D. 1638.

I was braced for disappointment: there was intermittent cloud cover and my back yard is not an ideal viewing spot, what with the big-ass mercury vapor streetlight in the alley, but lo and behold! The streetlight was out (as it sometimes is; who knows why) and the clouds parted periodically just enough to allow me fleeting glimpses of totality at around 3:17 a. m. (not my pics, by the way):

And yes, the moon was precisely this color! Still, I'm less impressed with totality than when the moon emerges from the Earth's shadow (which it did around 4:00 a. m.):

This, but many times brighter!

So, I'll be going to work today a bit groggy, a bit bleary-eyed, but with the sure knowledge that my Geek Cred remains intact.

How's yours?

Sunday Afternoon With the Dogs

2010-12-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

So one of my numerous bosses asked me to look after his two Springer Spaniels this afternoon while he and his family went to his father's 80th-something birthday party in Baltimore. It being a nice enough day, a tad cold, but sunny, I decided to walk over to his place, which meant I passed by the Byrd Theatre:

Now, about the two Springer Spaniels. They're lovely dogs, friendly as all get-out, but H-Y-P-E-R -as- HELL! I know why they call 'em "springers;" when they relax their anti-jump muscles they BOING!!! about 6 ft. straight up and this occurs every few seconds. Charlie & Gizmo are particularly manic and I had to wait about half an hour after letting them out before they slowed down enough to get any pictures.

"Oh, shit! Oh, shit! SLIPPERY! SLIPPERY! SCRAMBLE TIME... OOF!"

"Hey! This not MY poop..."

While waiting for (relative) calmness to descend, I grabbed a few pics of the various holly variants in the back yard. No particular reason; they were pretty and seemed seasonally appropriate:

Meanwhile...

"I'm as calm as I'll ever be. Now, let's see if

I can knock you over starting... NOW!"

"Is that food? You're holding it near your mouth so it must

be food. If it's NOT food then it OUGHT to be food.

Food is good."

"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."

Hey, I take my amusements where I can find 'em!

The Junky's Christmas

2010-12-10T23:19:00.000-05:00

The first of my traditional Alternative Xmas posts.

A few years ago my friend and occasional fake-date Sarah commented on my MySpace entry, "For Your Christmas Reading Pleasure,"

"yes! i know it's officially christmas when you post "the junky's christmas".

"now all i've got to do is find the cd of the alternative rock christmas songs, listen to it on repeat, spend time listening to my senile mother (and cassie) talk to my dog about the christmas tree, and get a "it's a wonderful life" speech from everyone who's known me for over five years and thinks i'm suicidal because i didn't go to college. then it'll really feel like christmas..."

Well, Sarah; this one's for you!

(for those not in the know, imagine an O. Henry character with a drug problem)

Text version (in unfortunately vivid colors) here.

Early XMas Presents-- From Me To Me

2010-12-10T01:15:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I've been on a couple of buying sprees the last two weeks but, c'mon, if I don't give myself the presents I want, who will?

It all started when I went walking to check out the Xmas lights last Friday evening and I realized, "Damn! It's cold out here!" And by that I mean cold for Virginia, i. e., below 28° F., which I realize is nothing for those of you in Illinois and Iowa and Montana and other such frigid places, but is a tad on the nippy side for Richmond, especially since I'm don't really own any clothing suitable for even a brief sojourn into the wintery onslaught. Y'see, I'm used to being in the cold for no longer than it takes me to get to or from my car, say, ten minutes at worst. Forty-five minutes plus equals a shivery G. W.

Anyway, the upshot is I made a trip to Hull Street Outlet (which is not, by the way, located on Hull Street) and made a few purchases: black wool watch cap, black wool scarf, two M-65 field jackets w/lining in olive drab and black (natch!), cushioned wool socks, a black balaclava (because my face gets cold), and a nice pair of insulated gloves. All these for a reasonable price. On the plus side, when the weather outside is frightful I'm prepared to kick its ass; on the down side, I look like I'm about to knock over a 7-11... or a small Middle-Eastern nation:

(geez, I hope the Arabic says what I think it says* and not
"likes to have sloppy, kinky sex with underage goats")

Recall my rant a few months ago about my lost-then-found Rotring Newton 600 rollerball pen? Yeah, well, I figured a back-up was in order and even though these things have become hellaciously expensive-- and they weren't cheap to begin with-- I bit the bullet and bid on an eBay auction. Which I won. For less than I expected. Behold my glorious new Rotring 600 Newton Fountain pen (fine nib) with lava finish:

Why a fountain pen? Well, I dunno; I kinda like retro-tech and the thought of being able to use Noodler's Heart of Darkness Black Ink ("bulletproof" and "black as Stalin's soul") makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Now if I can just make my handwriting more legible....

These days I'm using my computer as my primary sound system, which works out fine for the most part. I have just enough hearing loss that a high-end system is wasted on me; however, I do like my music faithful to the source... and loud. Out of consideration for my neighbors, who may not entirely appreciate my late-night excursions into the land of Gary Puckett & The Union Gap's Greatest Hits, I wear headphones-- Sennheiser HD-280 Pros-- which are a great compromise between fidelity and cost; unfortunately, my computer has a little difficulty driving 'em. Enter HeadRoom's Total BitHead headphone amplifier: "plug the BitHead into the USB port and digital audio is automatically routed out of the noisy environs of your computer to be converted by the superior digital-to-analog converter (DAC) of the BitHead." Sounds like a lot o' hype, but lemme tell you something: not only does it give me more-than-adequate volume, even my middle-aged, high-frequency-impaired ears can detect a difference. Plus, it was on sale!

So there you have it, How I Damaged My Checking Account But Improved My Quality of Life Immensely.

*"I am not a terrorist."

Xmas List Addendum

2010-12-08T17:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa,

Remember that hellaciously convoluted Xmas list I posted a few days ago? Well, I'd like to add one more item-- A Black Death European Tour long sleeve T-shirt:

I'll be the coolest former microbiologist on the block!

Oh, I'm SO Gonna Get Sued (Coffee Musings)

2010-11-28T21:24:00.001-05:00

There's been some action over at my Facebook page ever since I posted links to my Impossible Xmas List, specifically regarding coffee wants and needs. Here's the most recent three-way (which may actually be a two-way since I strongly suspect DR and TZ to be a single life form):

DR: Thats an incredible Xmas list you have there, but for coffee may i suggest the exotic coffee beans that have passed through the digestive tract of a small mammal; it adds a certain flavor and expense to the coffee beans as it has to be collected by hand.

GW: At SML we shall now make coffee only from beans that have passed through the digestive tract of Scarlett Johansson! Beans ground by the crushing action of SJ's thighs!

TZ: Thats actually a very marketable idea...who wouldn't want coffee made from SJ's butt beans???

GW: That's what I'm sayin'! Hell, I'd settle for a bag o' beans held between her silken thighs for 30 sec., but then, I'm easy.

TZ: I'm tired of celebrity perfumes, lets have celebrity coffee, like maybe she just passes her hand over the coffee beans.

GW: TZ, we get this thing going and we'll make a fortune! Of course, securing SJ's cooperation might be tricky, but I'm guessing she'd rather do Celebrity Coffee than another tired Celebrity Scent.

DR: All we have to do is CUT OFF HER HAND and take it to our bean facility.

GW: ‎"Beans Blessed and Caressed by the Sacred Mummified Hand of Scarlett Johansson!"

And then I fired up Paint.net:

Let's see now... unattributed quotes used without permission, unlicensed use of a celebrity's likeness, implied threats of bodily harm, copyright violations, a non-existent product... I fearfully await the Stormtrooper knock of the local constabulary.

Previously.

Your Saturday Evening WTF?

2010-11-27T21:13:00.001-05:00

While waiting for Cliff at Crossroads Coffee I had a Close Encounter of the Disturbing Kind:

But I guess that's to be expected at a place with the motto, "Keeping the Oral Tradition Alive through Social Intercourse."

And a lampshade like this:

Once Again, Alone and Unsupervised...

2010-11-26T22:19:00.001-05:00

In my previous post I mentioned The Black Blood of the Earth triple-cold-extracted supercoffee concentrate and then proceeded to generate a sales slogan for 'em based on a few anecdotes from their website:

When Subject 1′s cup of unadulterated was half empty, he grabbed his water bottle and poured the remainder into his clear glass coffee cup. He looks at it and then puts his hand up because He Needs An Adult. He said with concern, “I added water but it didn’t change color.” We all wandered over to peek into the dark heart of his mug. Even diluted to 50% of the original strength, it is still as black, oily, and potentially lethal as a tar pit.

While accurate, this can’t merely be called Scientific Coffee or even Weapons Grade Coffee. My brain went searching for terms that accurately described this creation. While the tar entity that killed Tasha Yar in ST:TNG came to mind, John Carpenter’s “Big Trouble In Little China” is what stuck. This coffee is the Black Blood Of The Earth (or BBotE for the sake of brevity).

No less an entity than Warren Ellis wrote:
The day {TBBotE} arrived, it went straight into the fridge, hissing slightly and frightening the other bottles. The next day, I had an early start, had to head into London — and found that I was out of energy drinks and was too fucked up to attempt making coffee because it involved operating machinery. So I dumped a big shot of The Black Blood into a glass, probably in the region of 100ml, mixed it with about 250ml of chilled almond milk and threw a bit of caramel syrup into it. (I like my coffee sweet, and keep a rack of Monin syrups handy.) I slung the glass back in the hope that it’d at least keep me going until I could get a Red Bull in London — which could have taken anything up to two hours.

Four hours later, I realised I hadn’t had or wanted a Red Bull.

That in itself is both magical and disturbing, given how much caffeine my system needs to tick over.

I’m fairly sure that more intensive doses could activate previously dormant areas of my brain, possibly giving me special mental powers.--The Black Blood of the Earth: Early Results

And then later:
Sleep? Sleep is for YOU OTHER PEOPLE. You UNMODIFIED people. I will swap MY ENTIRE BLOOD VOLUME with the Black Blood, and develop POWERS.

Also yes probably also death BUT STILL.--received goods 22nov10

And with those I became inspired.

Here's their current logo.
Here's my suggestion:

Why, yes, Bryan; I do have too much time on my hands!

If It's Black Friday, It Must Be Time For My Xmas List!

2010-11-26T00:01:00.001-05:00

Dear Santa,

First, as I do every year, let me remind you of how incredibly good I've been (relatively speaking):

I've fixed no elections, fomented no revolutions, nor have I overthrown any governments this year, despite almost overwhelming temptation to do so. I haven't engaged in mass murder, no serial killings, no random acts of violence, no choke sex (hell, no sex at all!), no waylaying of strangers to harvest their body parts, and only minor, completely excusable corruptions of youth. I've refrained from kidnapping any heiresses, selling any government secrets, disrupting the ozone layer, or even holding the planet for ransom. I haven't tampered with things man was not meant to know... much... and that annoying human sacrifice thing is now in the dim, dark, distant past. I've limited my stalking activities to the online realm and I haven't propositioned any of my female associates to do that...thing...with the Shetland pony and the Waring blender in quite a while.

We'll conveniently ignore the fact that my being good wasn't entirely by choice; after all, at my age (and income level) the opportunities to be truly bad are few and far between. Still, we must judge people by their actions and not their motives, mustn't we?

Well, whatever. Here are a few suggestions:

For the more mundane stuff-- books, CDs, DVDs, minor household conveniences such as the Ka-Bar Black Kukri Machete-- I've set up a convenient Amazon.com Wishlist, BUT... the big news is I now have a Kindle e-reader (like you didn't know that was coming) for which I have a separate Wishlist, since Amazon e-books finally can be given as gifts. Keep in mind that the more items you bring, the more I'm distracted from plotting World Domination-- a bored G. W. is a dangerous G. W., y'know-- and besides, I'm well-armed and I know where you live.

Speaking of well-armed, I need-- yes, need-- an Allied Armament X-91 50-round drum in .308 Winchester for my PTR-91KF carbine. Come the Zombie Apocalypse you'll be glad you brought me one since you violate Rule #1: Cardio. Make it so and I hereby promise to do my best to rescue you from the flesh-eating demon elves.

Recently I've been experimenting with caffeine delivery systems-- coffee makers-- and wouldn't mind a bi-weekly delivery of Blanchard's Dark As Dark and/or Mocha Java beans. They're just across the river and they're all trendy 'n' free trade 'n' stuff. Oh, and even though I have what I think of as a perfectly satisfactory Mr. Coffee electric grinder, the snobbier caffeineistas insist I need a burr grinder, perhaps a Hario "Mini Mill Slim". Too much trouble? Well, feel free to send me case after case of Funranium Labs Black Blood of the Earth superconcentrated coffee extract (their motto should be "Sleep and functioning kidneys are for the worthless and weak"). I'll even allow Mrs. Claus to watch me vibrate and twitch while you and Rudolph... uh... perhaps I've said too much..

Back-up headphones for my Sony Walkman MP3 player would be great; these Sennheiser CX 300s look like they'd fit the bill nicely and they've been reduced from $89.95 to $32.95. Hey, I'm all about saving you the bucks. Incidentally, for some reason I've noticed that the music on my computer is getting harder and harder to hear. Some people say it's an age thing, but I'm thinking it's poor CD QC and I'm thinking I need a Headroom Total BitHead headphone amp. After all, my Ziggy Stardust album says, "TO BE PLAYED AT MAXIMUM VOLUME"! WHAT? SPEAK UP! STOP MUMBLING!

Though by no stretch of the imagination am I Goth-- Crom knows I'm far too hefty to be a Goth Boi-- I still have Goth-y sensibilities which could best be expressed by a few items of decor, this fine Coffin Clock, for example, or even a nice coffin. transportation-wise, I suppose an Aston-Martin DB9 hearse in basic black with automatic transmission would be a bit out of the question, right? Does such a thing even exist? Oh, well; how 'bout something like Carthedral, the Mobile Gothic Wet Dream? And since the (non-Goth-y) cat has decided my computer chair is his own personal scratching post, maybe Giger's Harkonnen Chair would be spooky-ass enough to discourage him.

Speaking of computers and chairs, well, I talked about chairs here; any one of them would do nicely. Or all, or any combination; I'm not hard to please.

Well, that's about it for this year. As usual, I'll be leaving a little something for your efforts, only instead of milk, cookies, and Fentanyl I figured you might like a change of pace-- you'll be finding a couple of bottles of genuine (and now fully legal in the US!) absinthe on top of the television set: Kubler for you and Lucid for Mrs. Claus, so put on your best Bohemian garb, grab a sugar cube or two, drink up, get nekkid, and see the Green Fairy! Leave the cat alone; he's touchy and liable to rip out certain valuable portions of your anatomy.

Have a Merry Newtonmas!

(adapted from this)

Happy Birthday, Boris!

2010-11-24T22:57:00.009-05:00

Well, as usual, I'm a day late (and more than a dollar short). Yesterday, November 23, was Boris Karloff's 123rd birthday.

I and my good friend JSaM waxed ecstatic about Boris in this post from last year so I'm going to try (try mind you; not necessarily succeed) not to repeat myself. Besides, there are better tributes all over the web if you care to search for 'em; here and here, for example (the latter being the lead-off for The Boris Karloff Blogathon of 2009).

But the Big Story is a New! Authorized!! (by daughter Sara Jane Karloff) 608 pp!!! biography, Boris Karloff: More Than A Monster, to be released March 14, 2011. From the blurb, "...this new biography dispels the often repeated myths associated with the star - many perpetuated by Karloff himself - and reveals a wealth of new information about {his} private and professional life. See the Boris Karloff Home Page for more.

I hate to use a tired cliché... well, no, I don't... but Boris? You may be gone but you're not forgotten!

Dreaming... Dreaming...

2010-11-21T17:50:00.000-05:00

Why, yes, Lauran; I do sleep. Too much under normal circumstances, as it turns out, but this is National Novel Writing Month and I'm trying to generate 50,000 words in 30 days while maintaining some semblance of normalcy (ahem!). It's difficult and whenever brain burn begins to set in (as it often does) I do silly stuff on Facebook and here. Especially here.

But you broach an interesting subject. In that Alternate Universe where I have lots of money and a really nice house, I also have a really nice chair that does indeed act as a central command center. Maybe a modified Ball Chair-- somewhat larger and somewhat deeper and completely equipped with a vast array of electronic digital devices, a mini-fridge, and, yes, maybe a microwave as well.

Or, maybe something a bit more utilitarian, like a C-130 Navigator's Chair and a big-ass C-shaped table to hold all the computers and shortwave receivers and speaker systems and clandestine transmitters (plus that mini-fridge and microwave) I would need to run my Invisible Empire.

The padding would have to be black vinyl, though.

Wait! Not a problem! The solution is... The Emperor Workstation!

(more here)

Svelte, compact, black, complete, self-contained, looking exactly like the command center of an alien spacecraft, and a steal at $40,000! ~~Ah, yes; once the world is mine your deaths shall be swift and painless!~~

Sadly, these things are unlikely to happen, but they're fun to dream about.

Since we're on the subject of cool chairs and such-- and thanks, Lauran, for triggering the memory-- some years ago I ran across a web page advertising an electric reading chair for approx. $1000. Not a reading chair that's electric; we're talking an electric chair converted into a reading chair! Oh, the Spooky Coolness Factor was just a-oozin'! Unfortunately, I wasn't foresighted enough to bookmark the page nor did I copy the picture. I went searching for it, but the page seems to be long gone. Just use your imaginations-- the head electrode would be the reading lamp.

(Virginia's electric chair, by the way)

Now I just happen to have a friend-- another high school classmate and Facebook friend-- who makes fine furniture. Really fine. Exquisite, in fact. About a year ago I half-jokingly suggested he get into the Kustom Koffin business. Hey, Gary! HERE'S ANOTHER BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY FOR YA!

This Isn't Goofing Off; This Is Research!

2010-11-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

Here's how I know I'm getting old-- I can hear the edits in one of my favorite songs of the 'Sixties, "Crimson and Clover" by Tommy James and the Shondells ("the name 'sounded good'").

Here's the version we Old Fogies know and love, the one they played on every Top Forty radio station in the country (ahem!) over and over until we wanted to scream "ENOUGH!"

It's nice! Gettin' some old nostalgia going there, aren't we? Now wait for it... at 2:21, right after the guitar goes 'bom bom bom bom..." four times--tone change! I didn't think anything of it at the time; it sounded cool and that tremolo on Tommy James's voice was simply riveting (Hey! It was 1968! Gimme a break!). Now listen to the long version:

Right there at 0:52-- awkward edit!-- and at 1:58-- insert edit!-- and again at 2:29-- splice edit!-- and at 4:19, the same spot as the tone change on the short version at 2:21, the final edit (noticeable by a non-sound engineer)! You. Will. NEVER. Hear. This. Song. The. Same. Way.

Screw all this high-falutin' Post-Modern Literary Deconstruction nonsense! The fun's to be had dismantling the hits of the 'Sixties!

And the Procrastination Continues...

2010-11-19T17:21:00.000-05:00

This ludicrousness brought to you courtesy of Blanchard's Coffee Co., lack of sleep, Google Image Search, Paint.net, and the works of James Frey.

NaNoWriMo-ment: The Voices In My Head

2010-11-18T06:30:00.001-05:00

Late Last Night... In My Head

2010-11-18T01:27:00.003-05:00

In Case You Didn't Know...

2010-11-18T00:51:00.001-05:00

NaNoWriMo Continues But I Took A Break

2010-11-14T23:44:00.002-05:00

28,119 words so far, if you happen to be keeping count. Once again, it ain't quality, it's quantity. Sing along with me now: "We'll fix it in the edit, we'll fix it in the edit..."

But my plot and characters are starting to do whatever the hell they damn well please regardless of what I want them to do ("Go over there." "Screw you, I'm going over here!"), which is one of the stranger things that happens to me when I attempt to write fiction. This requires periodic resurfacings into The Real World (est. 4,500,400,000 B. C. E.), but even then things don't cooperate. I keep... seeing things. Weird things. Things that had to have been there all along but I didn't notice. This, for example (and why I always carry a camera):

Spotted this afternoon when I left

McDonald's with fish sandwich &

Diet Coke.

I knew the mural was there (it's on the side of the Helping Hands Veterinary Clinic which I walk by almost daily); I'd just never noticed this particular juxtaposition.

And then next door there's this:

How could I have possibly missed her?

Just one of those things, I suppose.

Oh! the artist is a local, Daniel Johnson, and he's got a time lapse video here.

The Sunday Morning Snicker

2010-11-14T08:48:00.000-05:00

Last time, you may recall, I promised a picture as soon as I took a better one. As it turns out, I took two!

You'll probably need to embiggen this one.
It's lagniappe and purely fortuitous.

This, this is the one to which I was referring.

I so want to know the story behind it.

The NaNoMadness Continues...

2010-11-13T20:10:00.000-05:00

...But you don't really care about all the details; it's just a continuing exercise in self-flagellation.

Writing buddy and long-time friend Bill G. and I met up today at Cartwheels & Coffee, "the playland designed with parents in mind," so his kids could play while we sucked down caffeine and pounded our keyboards (sometimes with our heads). It's a very cool place with slides and train sets and costumes and mirrors and giant padded doughnuts and a super-sized padded noodle-like thing; I wish they'd come up with something similar for adults!

Aiden enjoyed rolling Blade around in the Giant Padded Doughnut O' Doom.

Hapless bystanders and their parental units were not so sure about this activity.

Our barista was simply adorable and surprisingly tolerant of these

two creepy-looking men lugging laptops, cables, and hyperactive children.
"I hope your latte's okay; it's only my third day (now I'm going to
stand over here, near the door, well away from you weird-os)."

There was a DeLorean parked in front of the nearby Byrd Theatre for whatever reason, but I dunno; that's kind of cliché. I was much more intrigued by this little vignette I spotted at the corner of Cary and Nansemond (it's so very Richmond!):

We both managed to get some writing done; Bill hit 24,160 words and I'm not too far behind, craptastic though they may be.

Oh. I took one other picture but it came out lousy. I'll get a better shot tomorrow. Certain ones of you are gonna love it.

The Horror... The Horror...

2010-11-12T21:22:00.001-05:00

Unshaven and unshorn, bearded and bedraggled, emanating the distinctive funk of too much coffee, too many cigarettes, and too many skipped baths, mud-wrestling with a puerile plot and uncooperative characters.

I am not a pretty sight.

Awright, you! I heard that! Don't make me come over there! I'm on the edge, ya know! I have access to word processing software and I know how to use it! I will do things to you that will make your mother and the Baby Jeebus cry! With my words! In print! For maybe two or three people to read, you synaptically-challenged sack o' sleaze! See how you like that! And that!

Dear, sweet Crom and His Tenacious Terrifying Testicles, if this is November and I'm writing like this then it must be National Novel Writing Month and I, for some unspeakably insane reason, am a participant. What was I thinking? What am I thinking? Am I truly so masochistic to once again sip the soup of suck?

Oh, yes, I knew exactly what I was getting into when I took up the challenge of writing a 50,000 word/175 page novel in thirty days: five years ago I was every bit as sleep-deprived and bleary-eyed as I am right now, banging the keyboard to produce virtual page after virtual page of Squidboy Rising: A Lovecraftian Romp Through Time and Space.*

Which was really, really bad. Plot summary: an Industrial Noise band accidentally awakens one of the minor Great Old Ones slumbering beneath our planet's crust. Hijinks ensue. Blood, breasts, beasts. Heads roll. Bulldozer-fu. Gratuitous reference to the Chesapeake Bay impact crater. Lee-Bob sez, "Don't check it out."

This year? Notes of A Dialectical Derelict: A (Mostly Fictional) Memoir of Drunkenness (hypothetical cover here). It's... not good.**

So why do some 170,000 do this thing and generate gazillions of words of mostly ghastly prose? Bestselling author John Green says,

At this point, you've probably realized that it's nearly impossible to write a good book in a month. I've been at this a while and have yet to write a book in less than three years. All of us harbor secret hopes that a magnificent novel will tumble out of the sky and appear on our screens, but almost universally, writing is hard, slow, and totally unglamorous. So why finish what you've started? Because in two weeks, when you are done, you will be grateful for the experience. Also, you will have learned a lot about writing and humanness and the inestimable value of tilting at windmills.
And, believe it or not, when all is said and done, where the rubber meets the road and pigs fly, it's kinda fun.***

*Well, I'd just read Nick Mamatas' Move Under Ground, wherein the main characters, Jack Kerouac and William S. Burroughs (with a cameo by Allen Ginsberg), square off against the mighty forces of a recently-risen Cthulhu. It's funny as hell. And That Darn Squid God, also funny as hell, inspired the title.

*Well, okay; some of it was funny when I re-read it the other day.

***Oh, yeah; I should explain away the horrificness of some of these sentences--ya does whats ya gotta to get 50,000 words. And, yes, somehow or other I'll be incorporating this little vignette into my NaNoNovel to increase my word count, so it's NOT time wasted!

Locks O' Love?

2010-11-09T07:25:00.001-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I ran across one of those unusual-but-not-quite-weird articles on reddit I so love: For decades now a custom has slowly been creeping across the world whereby loving, romantic, and sometimes superstitious couples have decided to write messages on padlocks and attach them to certain landmarks in specific areas.

"Well, that's kinda cool," I thought. "I wonder if that's caught on here?"

And then it struck me-- on one of my evening walks I was wandering across the Monument Avenue bridge over I-195 when I noticed a padlock hooked to the chain link fence:

I didn't think too much about it at the time; it was just one of those minor mysteries like gym shoes tossed across telephone lines you see every-damn-where, but after reading about these Love Padlocks I figured I'd check things out a little more carefully after the Countdown to Halloween madness had died down.

Last night that's exactly what I did and, sure enough, the padlock was still there, no initials or inscriptions, only now it had been joined by three others. And not just that; two of the padlocks were located near the top of the chain link, which meant someone had to cross to the middle of the bridge, climb the guard rail, and reach way, way high over his/her head to place it there.

Some reddit comments I found amusing here...

"Now that reddit finds out about them, there will be a surge of padlock sales and public padlocking abound. Considering most people in reddit have girlfriend. (virtual or otherwise)."

"Darling.. my love for you is like a padlock-- cold and mechanical. Let us rejoice!"

"It's all a Big Lock Industry ploy. They get you buying the locks, littering with the locks, and then lock contractors cut the locks off."
"It's a conspiracy, I tell you!"

I'll be watching with interest!

Coffee Musings

2010-11-07T13:20:00.001-05:00

Jules: Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit! Me and Vincent would have been satisfied with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice, right? And he springs this serious gourmet shit on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie: Knock it off, Julie.
Jules: [pause] What?
Jimmie: I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen...
--Pulp Fiction (from this scene on YouTube--Warning: racial epithet)

I have no idea what led my mind down this particular road except I've been experimenting with coffee-making for the past week--National Novel Writing Month, don'tcha know*--and you know me--one synaptic discharge leads to an explosion of synaptic discharges.

Up until I was about five, Dad was a traveling salesman for Goodyear (insert appropriate joke about possible half-siblings scattered across the country here) and whenever he made an overnight trip Mom and I had our Special Dad's Away Dinner: hot dogs; baked beans; lettuce, pineapple rings, crushed peanuts, and dollop of Miracle Whip for a salad; and, best of all, ice cream floats for dessert. In our household these came in two varieties: vanilla ice cream and ginger ale or chocolate ice cream and Coca-Cola. We never had any of these (except the hot dogs) at any other time; I'm guessing they weren't things Dad particularly enjoyed.

Ours was also a Coffee Household--coffee at every meal--and though I loved the smell, the few times I tasted it made me gag. Of course, I now realize Mom, being of the coffee-stunts-your-child's-growth generation, only allowed me sips of hers, which was black, no sugar, and of a now all-but-deceased brand loaded with chicory**. Bitter. As bitter as an unlaid Prom King.

Then I discovered (sound trumpets!) coffee ice cream. Not bitter! Sweet! Cold! Delectable, with a unique taste (well, unique to someone who'd only experienced chocolate, vanilla, and pistachio). I soon decided this stuff needed to go into a float and soon enough my favorite dessert was cic 'n' Coke.

For those of you who're grimacing at this point all I'm going to say is it's surprisingly good. Good enough that many years later the Coca-Cola people marketed Coca-Cola BlāK (circa 2006 and no, that macron over the "a" makes no sense to me, either), which was (duh!) coffee-flavored cola and, basically, a coffee ice cream float without the ice cream.

It wasn't bad at all, though dear sweet Lord you never wanted to drink it lukewarm (which may be why Anderson Cooper spit it out on Live With Regis and Kelly; see video***). Want to try it (it was discontinued in 2008)? I make it all the time. Here's the recipe:

1. Get a glass with at least 20 ounces of volume and fill it about one-third of the way to the top with ice.
2. Take a small amount (no more than half an ounce or about one tablespoon) of freshly brewed coffee and drizzle it over the ice.
3. Get a 12 ounce can of regular Coke (you can even use a generic store brand of cola if you really want to reduce the cost), open it, and pour it into the glass.
4. If desired, you can combine the flavors together more evenly by either swirling the glass around a little bit while you’re pouring in the Coke or by lightly stirring the beverage with a straw or spoon after you’re finished pouring in the Coke. However, be careful that you do not shake or stir the beverage too much because it can lose too much of the carbonation, which will make the drink taste “flat”.
5. Drink and enjoy! You can now feel like a “sophisticated” shopper without having to pay a sophisticated price.

As long as you do not use too much coffee****, I have found that the result tastes virtually identical to the retail version of Coca Cola Blak. Since the amount of coffee required is so small that its cost is practically negligible, it is now possible to make a homemade version of Coca Cola Blak for about the same cost as a regular Coke! Of course, you CAN put in more than 1/2 ounce of coffee, but I have found that if you do this, the stronger coffee taste will clash with the flavor of the Coke, leaving a rather bitter aftertaste that you may not find entirely pleasant. On the other hand, if you do use more coffee, you can add an extra jolt of caffeine to the beverage and experiment with different ratios of flavors and ingredients. But if you want to end up with something that actually tastes like the real Coca Cola Blak, I recommend that you stick to the 1/2 ounce amount or maybe a little less.

And speaking of coffee, I've finally... finally... learned to brew a decent cup for myself. My problems with almost all commercially available coffee-by-the-cup is twofold: the intense bitterness from sitting around too long (a little bitterness is fine; that's the nature of the coffee bean) and THAT DAMNED BURNED TASTE! Maybe people like it that way; I don't, and because I don't for years I drank coffee only when there were few to no other options. As it turns out, that particular flavor most often occurs with the (until recently) most frequent method of brewing coffee--the percolator. That, and beans roasted unto utter blackness.

The answer to all my at-home coffee needs has been the French press (aka the press pot or cafetiere); your mileage may differ (if you cannot abide the least little bit of sludge in your coffee this is not the route to go; that, and coffee preferences are highly individualistic, I've found)--simple, straightforward, surprisingly inexpensive thanks to Bodum and Target (though, as with most things, you can pay as much as you wish). I grind my own beans; fresh ground really does make a difference, but my taste buds can't tell the difference between an expensive burr grinder and an el cheapo Mr. Coffee blade grinder. That being said, I will point out that one's choice in beans is critical and, again, highly individualistic. I'm a fan of Blanchard's Coffee Co., a local business, and their House/Morning blend, for example; a friend of mine prefers the donkey kick of their Black As Black (which is good, just not something I'd drink day after day).

But here's where all the coffeenistas will get their hipster knickers in a twist--I drink mine with skim milk. Or (gasp!) Coffee-Mate. And Splenda. With fiber. Because at my age and with my cardiovascular condition I need all the fiber I can get.

Well, that's all the procrastination I dare indulge in this afternoon. Time for a cup of coffee...

*Motto For the Month: "Creativity (and drudgery) is (are) fueled by coffee!"

**Gill's Hotel Special

(when in the '80s Mom and Dad could no longer obtain the stuff locally they ordered it by the case from the manufacturer in Norfolk, VA.)

***Yes, I see the "ice" in their glasses. Dollars to doughnuts, under those hot studio lights they're using plastic ice cube simulacra.

****THIS IS CRITICAL!!! Too much coffee and, well, blecch!

HALLOWEEN!!!

2010-10-31T23:30:00.011-04:00

And the Grand Finale!
(watch it in HD on YouTube)

Happy Halloween!

Countdown To Halloween Day 30--Part 4

2010-10-30T23:00:00.000-04:00

The last of my 6th Annual Richmond Zombie Walk pics. I promise.

And what's a Zombie Walk without a Zombie Princess?

The crowd. The website says there were easily 650+ participants.

I can believe it.

Countdown To Halloween Day 30--Part 3

2010-10-30T22:24:00.000-04:00

Yeah, still more 6th Annual Richmond Zombie Walk pics (my cable modem is smoking).

"Dude! 'Sup?"

Brain muffins, I presume.

Steampunk/alternate future zombie hunter.

They told me they'd just gotten married for real last week!

Yes, it's a Zom-Bee. Ouch.

Another alternate future zombie hunter.

Why, it's ZOMBIE ELVIS!

Love the demon baby.

Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill franchise.

Yes, there were zombie dogs...

...and zombie mutant ducks.

Danger waiting in the wings.

Just adjusting our costumes while listening to instructions.

I love the soda bottle construction.

Just a few more...

Countdown To Halloween Day 30--Part 2

2010-10-30T21:04:00.000-04:00

And we continue with my 6th Annual Richmond Zombie Walk pics:

Yes... yes, they do.

WTF is going on here? Double cross-dressing, "Jude"

Star of David... is that Zombie Anne Frank...

...KISSING ZOMBIE TRANNY HITLER???!!!

"Holy s***!"

In case you wondered what was for lunch.

Uh... cereal killers?

But... but... where's the Skipper? And the rest?

Zombie Ash. A little 4-yr.-old boy was all excited

about the chainsaw arm.

Hey, the '60s were rough on a LOT of us!

I noticed the Zombie Walk has, more and more,

become a couples event.

The girl on the left demonstrates unusual flexibility.

I love how little sis is ignoring big brother.

Just another day in the park.

"Look, Mommy! BRAAAAAAAAINS!!!"

I ain't done yet!

Countdown To Halloween Day 30

2010-10-30T19:41:00.000-04:00

The 6th Annual Richmond (Virginia) Zombie Walk!

Part 1 (because I took a LOT of pictures this year):

Technically speaking, I skipped the Walk itself; what I did was show up at the Pre-Walk Meet-Up at Boat (Fountain) Lake in Byrd Park when the zombies were a little more inclined to pose. As usual, click to embiggen.

First guy to show up in costume. He spent about 20 min. after he

arrived attaching his backboard, neck brace, etc.

Second group to arrive.

Daddy was looking after the little girl while Mommy applied make-up.

When she came out from the car, the little girl was terrified,

but only for a moment. The lure of Moms is strong, dead

or undead.

Beetlejuice and Lydia. I think they'd spent some time practicing posing.

My pet line was, "Say braaaaaains!" People immediately struck a pose.

Note the Freddy Krueger finger knives on the little boy.

Dead Mason, one of the organizers.

The bride... she looks familiar... oh, yeah! 2009!

The guts and severed hand make nice touches.

Here it's the single black rose that makes the costume.

Nice!

I love it when unrelated zombies cooperate for the camera.

I noted he brought his own brains. He noted,

"you need a snack when you're walking."

"I'm supposed to be a Boy Scout."

Note the reddish fluid in the hydration bottle.

The left side of his head is covered in gold glitter.

"I'm Jill and this is all that's left of Jack," she said.

It's the contact lenses that get me. Lot's of people wore 'em.

Popeye and Olive won "Best Couple."

More to come!

Countdown To Halloween Day 27

2010-10-27T17:21:00.000-04:00

New meds, feeling unwell, blogging an assortment of things in lieu of a real post.

Best Online Halloween-Related Quote o' the Evening:
" 'You can’t go out on Halloween with no costume,' he sputtered, waving his arms angrily to make the point. 'Because if you don’t have a costume, you can’t get candy! And if you’re not getting candy, you’re not trick-or-treating, you’re just taking a twilight stroll!' "
--"Twilight Saga" by Anne Thomas Soffee (Richmond magazine's Parental Rites)

Best Online Pumpkin-Carving Tutorial o' the Evening:

--spotted on Gizmodo

Best Jack-O'-Lantern Presentation O' the Evening:

--from "I came home and found this on my porch today" at reddit

Favorite Charles Addams Halloween-Related Cartoon:

Coolest Spooky-Ass Clocks & Watches EVER!:
Top Ten Haunted Horrorology--The Ghosts of Halloween Past

Enough. Bed.

Countdown To Halloween Day 24

2010-10-24T22:00:00.008-04:00

Let's see who's reading.

Here's where two really cool ideas converge. Frankensteinia--The Frankenstein Blog has declared October to be Book Month. Neil Gaiman has proposed, "on Hallowe'en or during the week of Hallowe'en, we give each other scary books. Give children scary books they'll like and can handle. Give adults scary books they'll enjoy."

"I propose that stories by authors like John Bellairs and Stephen King and Arthur Machen and Ramsey Campbell and M R James and Lisa Tuttle and Peter Straub and Daphne Du Maurier and Clive Barker and a hundred hundred others change hands -- new books or old or second-hand, beloved books or unknown. Give someone a scary book for Hallowe'en. Make their flesh creep..."

"Give a scary book."

I love these ideas!

So here's the deal--I'm offering a FREE BOOK, postage paid, to... well... someone. The only problem is I'm not sure how to select that someone, so I asked my friend/horror writer Wayne to help out:

GW: Wanna be the judge in my Halloween giveaway?

WAS: The judge or A judge? I was an auctioneer once, in New Orleans at a Sci-Fi con. Along with...Lance Henriksen. Who wore sneakers and was shorter than me.

Tell me more, but yea, I'll do it. Buddy (his late dog) would want me to say yes

GW: THE judge! What I'm doing is giving away a copy of The Men Who Made the Monsters (I have two) for the Countdown To Halloween. I'm not sure what hoops to make any participants jump through yet. "Tell me why you deserve to win this" is the current contender, but I'm open to suggestions. You'd pick a winner from the best of the mini-essays based on originality, creativity, and general sluttiness.

WAS: Tell me what YOU'D WEAR, WHAT YOU WOULD DO WITH A MANGO, A BUTTERFLY, AND ROBERT DOWNEY JR to even BE CONSIDERED to deserve this book!!!! The Aristocrats of Hallowe'en, baby! Those are the mini-essays we need, though you can fine-tune it as you see fit. Perhaps we could put Nipsey Russell in there somewhere. And seltzer. Written as a sestina.

Oh dear. All that may be a bit... much. Let's make it simple: tell us why YOU would be the best choice to give this book a new home. I'm easily swayed by humor and creativity; I have NO idea what would appeal to Wayne. Naked pictures of Elvira and Christina Ricci together, probably. I'll announce the winner on Halloween.

The Men Who Made the Monsters by Paul M. Jensen

Have at it!

Warning/Disclaimer: I smoke, which means this book has been in a smoky apartment for a couple of years. I also have a long-haired kitty-cat who sheds like crazy and I really, really suck at housekeeping, so these may well be deal breakers for you. If you're sensitive and you win, well, I'm not responsible for anaphylactic shock, allergic reactions, cancer, heart or lung disease, high blood pressure, stroke, aneurysm, seizures, catarrh, abnormal blood chemistry, major affective disorders, erectile dysfunction, decreased dexterity, loss of libido, loss of motor skills, loss of hearing, loss of social standing, loss of math skills, inability to get a date, sociopathy, schizophrenia, tone deafness, astigmatism, unbalanced humours, inauspicious feng shui, howling fantods, screaming-meemies, heebie-jeebies, herky-jerkys, or any other horrible thing that might result from contact with this volume.

Countdown To Halloween Day 23

2010-10-23T22:32:00.093-04:00

Odds & Ends

"Halloween, 1981," my favorite issue and favorite cover of the much-beloved and sorely-missed Twilight Zone magazine (1981-1989).

Of course, it isn't Halloween without a tip of the ol' witch's hat to Ray Bradbury, in this case a link to a scan of the EC Comics adaptation of "The October Game" here (warning--big-ass, slow-loading graphics)

(original story here)

Online bud T'zilla directs us to the ExtremePumpkins.com website for the wildest, weirdest, wackiest jack-o'-lanterns EVER! Lots of useful carving tips and display ideas (including ridiculously dangerous pyrotechnics!).

Entry from the Skull-A-Day guy

Finally, if you're a local (or even if you're not so local), don't forget that Saturday, October 30 is the 6th Annual Richmond (VA) Zombie Walk!

This year the pre-walk meet-up (which is strongly suggested if you're walking and your best picture-taking opportunity if you're documenting--moving zombies don't have time to pose) will take place at 1:00 p. m. in Byrd Park at Boat Lake (that's the one with the big-ass fountain). After instructions and costume prizes, the walk itself will begin around 2:00 p. m. on the sidewalk in front of the Carytown Krogers. More details here.

See ya there!

Countdown To Halloween Day 21

2010-10-21T23:45:00.113-04:00

I was going to do this... thing... whereby if you e-mailed me your mailing address I would send you a way cool Halloween card and maybe, possibly, some kind of (cheap & tawdry) bonus goodie. Sadly, I am neither organized enough nor energetic enough to put that plan into motion. Y'all will have to settle for...

An Awesome Interactive Halloween E-Card!!!

(it's graphic-intense, takes a while to load, and requires a bit of patience on your part, but stick with it; it's just as cute as it can be)

Changing lanes...

I linked to this last year, but guess what? I'm doing it again! I mean, what's Halloween without a low budget horror film (and when I say "low," I mean low, as in whatever pocket change could be scraped together at the time)?

Way, way back in the '70s my friend and fellow Monster Kid JSaM nabbed a Kodak Super 8 camera, cobbled together a script (mostly in his head), and convinced a small group of us we needed to make movies. We didn't know it at the time, but this was not an uncommon occurrence in those pre-Web, pre-video game, pre-cable, pre-DVD days (see Monster Kid Home Movies). What follows is our best effort and it's even a little atmospheric and moody. JSaM said,

"The last in the Moriser series (so far). This short ended up as my senior Drama project and Roanoke College has a copy of it! (1974-1976). It ended up being a sort of rural 20th century Americana (unintentionally)."

By the way, I'm the gravedigger and the guy in the living corpse make-up, which took an ungodly amount of time to apply and wound up being fairly painful. Gave me a feel for what all those actors in the Universal monster films of the '30s and '40s went through.

There were earlier efforts--if you're interested you can see them here--or, if you want to see what a goofball I was, check out the pics here.

Ten days, people! Just ten more days!

Countdown To Halloween Day 20

2010-10-20T22:08:00.000-04:00

You may recall my post Dinner With Drac (Day 5) wherein I linked to all sorts of cool-but-gross recipes for that massive Halloween party feast you're going to be inviting me to (you are, aren't you? I mean, I'm quite entertaining in person... for about half an hour or so).

Well, consider this "Dinner With Drac Redux." First of all, today is Bela Lugosi's birthday and as I said last year, I'm simply not a good enough writer to attempt a tribute (I settled for talking about coffins instead; see also my drivel about The Random Crap Which Infests My Brain, Part III, wherein I babbled about the Dracula ring), so a second post about meals fit for a Count seemed appropriate. Secondly, since then I've discovered all sorts of food-oriented, Halloween-related, web-based stuff.

In that post I referenced how to make a Meathead ("Yummy Halloween Fun!")--a buffet entree composed of cold cuts and such wrapped around a plastic skull. It's one of those nifty, neat-o projects that merited better pics and lo and behold! I found some! From Make magazine's special Halloween edition, the DIY HOWTO for a Meat Head!

See also the recipes on I Make Projects--A Cannibal-themed Halloween Supper: Chilled Brain Spread! Alien Autopsy Shooters! Eyes in Blood Sauce! Brain On A Plate! And for dessert, Chilled, Bloody Heart!

Oh, and definitely check out Britta's Halloween recipes, which include such items as Eerie Eyeballs, Bizarre Brain Pate, Sinister Skulls, and Haunted Human Heart.

Elsewhere, there's Yummy Mummy Meatloaf:

(yes, there's a delicious-looking meatloaf beneath the pasta wrappings)

And for special Halloween treats (or Dia de los Muertos; your choice), Do It Yourself Sugar Skulls (supplies, hints, molds, and alternate recipes here):

Meanwhile, the neighbors continue to decorate...

Countdown To Halloween Bonus Pic!

2010-10-20T00:05:00.001-04:00

Yeah, you saw a daylight photo of this house in this post,
but check it out at night!

Countdown To Halloween Day 19

2010-10-19T19:25:00.000-04:00

My neighbors continue to decorate!

This is outside a hair salon in Carytown, of all places!

(why am I thinking of Motel Hell?)

Seriously, does this scream "Come on in and let us work on you!"?

Handmade, as far as I can tell.

Now this, this is a Halloween tree!

AAAAAAAA!!!

Countdown To Halloween Day 18

2010-10-18T23:50:00.000-04:00

The horror... the horror...

(not for the squeamish nor the cucurbitaphiles in the audience)

(blame this on my friend Margie who said, "It's time for my favorite Halloween video!" then reprimanded me for taking three days to post it. Mea culpa, babe!)

Not Exactly A Halloween Post...

2010-10-17T22:57:00.004-04:00

...But scary nonetheless.

The invitation read,

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

October 17th

Tetherball, alcoholic Jell-O, and knives!

Grilling starts around 6.

Knives have to go away at around sunset.

{address/phone #}

It's my birthday, so if you want to dress

like a clown, I wouldn't be upset.

"Hmmm," I thought. "Drunk people with access to fire and knives. This should be... interesting." I didn't give much credence to the clown part at the time, but the first person to show up after Sarah's sister (who was helping set up) and myself (who is perpetually on time) was Sarah's mom in full Carmen-Miranda-as-clown regalia.

"Dammit, Mom! Where's the dip and cheese balls?"

Then this guy showed up in his Ringmaster's outfit

(apparently, Sarah's dream is to run away and join the circus)

Ya gotta love the crooked moustache.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, the traditional Skunk Cake awaited...

...as the knife-throwing competition began.

The guests made more balloon animal targets...

...as other guests arrived.

"Look at me! I found clown make-up in the bathroom"

"And I've had twelve Jello-shooters and now I'm holding a switchblade!"

"Well, dammit, I'm not about to be outdone at my own party."

'Wait till you see what we've done!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

"Tee-hee!"

"Now I have the switchblade!"

'We'll just sit on these steps waaaay over here."

"Dudes! 'S'up?"

The Skunk Cake held gooey surprises.

But it was Mmm! Mmm! Good!

"Y'all come back, now, y'heah?

Countdown to Halloween Day 16

2010-10-16T14:56:00.000-04:00

I'm so proud of my neighborhood! They seem to be getting into the Spirit of Halloween nicely!

These people have turned their entire front lawn into a cemetery.

I really like the artwork incorporated into the tombstone shape.

And they didn't neglect their front porch!

Elsewhere...

Ya gotta admire these people's ambition; the upper spider is HUGE!

Sometimes plain and simple is the way to go.

Countdown To Halloween Day 14

2010-10-14T23:30:00.008-04:00

It's coming!

There's a chill in the air and the scent of wood smoke. Dry leaves cover the sidewalks and rustle underfoot. The trees are turning glorious colors. Darkness falls ever earlier.

And my neighbors are just starting to put out their decorations.

Halloween's a-comin' (click to embiggen)!

(cast iron, by the way)

I'll have some more pics this weekend--some of the Halloween tableaux do not photograph well by flash. That, and for some reason people become a little disturbed when a big, hulking guy dressed mostly in black shambles towards their yard at 10:00 p. m. They seem a little nervous and clutch their cell phones as if they were pieces of the True Cross and I, being the epitome of discretion (while acknowledging that should the police be called I might wind up in Big Boy jail) figure it's best to move on.

See what I do for y'all?

Halloween Miscellaneous III

2010-10-14T00:50:00.001-04:00

So I was cruisin' reddit last night looking for Links of Outrageous Coolness (© ® ^TM pat. pend.) because, well, I have no life, and I ran across this, a comic by Doctor Popular (whoever s/he is) based on a MetaFilter comment by np132 (whoever s/he is) in the "Are we too old to trick or treat?" thread:

Coolest. Halloween. Concept costume. Ever!

Countdown To Halloween Day 13

2010-10-13T22:10:00.001-04:00

I'm not exactly sure where my fetish for all things weird and spooky came from, but since she isn't here to defend herself, let's blame it on my mother, the 9th Grade English teacher, who used to read me things like this before bedtime...

...then turn out the lights and close the door.

LITTLE ORPHANT ANNIE
by James Whitcomb Riley (1849-1916)

INSCRIBED WITH ALL FAITH AND AFFECTION
To all the little children: -- The happy ones; and sad ones;
The sober and the silent ones; the boisterous and glad ones;
The good ones -- Yes, the good ones, too; and all the lovely bad ones.

LITTLE Orphant Annie's come to our house to stay,
An' wash the cups an' saucers up, an' brush the crumbs away,
An' shoo the chickens off the porch, an' dust the hearth, an' sweep,
An' make the fire, an' bake the bread, an' earn her board-an'-keep;
An' all us other childern, when the supper-things is done,
We set around the kitchen fire an' has the mostest fun
A-list'nin' to the witch-tales 'at Annie tells about,
An' the Gobble-uns 'at gits you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

Wunst they wuz a little boy wouldn't say his prayers,--
An' when he went to bed at night, away up-stairs,
His Mammy heerd him holler, an' his Daddy heerd him bawl,
An' when they turn't the kivvers down, he wuzn't there at all!
An' they seeked him in the rafter-room, an' cubby-hole, an' press,
An' seeked him up the chimbly-flue, an' ever'-wheres, I guess;
But all they ever found wuz thist his pants an' roundabout:--
An' the Gobble-uns 'll git you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

An' one time a little girl 'ud allus laugh an' grin,
An' make fun of ever' one, an' all her blood-an'-kin;
An' wunst, when they was "company," an' ole folks wuz there,
She mocked 'em an' shocked 'em, an' said she didn't care!
An' thist as she kicked her heels, an' turn't to run an' hide,
They wuz two great big Black Things a-standin' by her side,
An' they snatched her through the ceilin' 'fore she knowed what she's about!
An' the Gobble-uns 'll git you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

An' little Orphant Annie says, when the blaze is blue,
An' the lamp-wick sputters, an' the wind goes woo-oo!
An' you hear the crickets quit, an' the moon is gray,
An' the lightnin'-bugs in dew is all squenched away,--
You better mind yer parunts, an' yer teachurs fond an' dear,
An' churish them 'at loves you, an' dry the orphant's tear,
An' he'p the pore an' needy ones 'at clusters all about,
Er the Gobble-uns 'll git you
Ef you
Don't
Watch
Out!

Countdown To Halloween Day 12

2010-10-12T14:56:00.001-04:00

See this?

It's from Mark Gervais of HALLOWINDOW.

Is that the coolest or what? And it's one of those ridiculously simple ideas that is completely brilliant--project seasonally-appropriate animated sequences onto your window! All you need are a DVD player of some sort, a bed sheet to hang inside your window to serve as a screen, and, here's the one tricky part, a video projector with a fairly bright bulb, something on the order of 2000 lumens and the correct cabling. These tend to be pricey as hell based on a quick glance at Best Buy's offerings, making eBay, rentals, or a loan from your favorite bloodsucking corporate entity attractive options. Oh, and you'll need to buy one or more of Hallowindow's DVDs, (or create your own animations) but still, look at it!

It would be SO worth it!

A brief look at last year's offering:

A preview of this year's offering:

Sweet screamin' Jeebus, I love this! I just wish I had a suitable window.

Here's a nice How To: Halloween Fun Outdoor Effects With Windows Live Essentials 2011 (including a little about editing Hallowindow's DVDs so as not to terrify the littlest ones too much (Gee, I thought that was the point. What's the use in having kids if you can't traumatize 'em?) and some notes on Improving Contrast With Black Scrim.

Hallowindow is also on Facebook.

No, I don't get any kickbacks for pimping... dammit.

Halloween Miscellaneous II

2010-10-11T13:51:00.000-04:00

See this?

This is my friend Beth... whom I've slept with.

Well, okay; perhaps that's a bit misleading. Yes, we did sleep together, but she was inside her house and I was in a mildewy tent in her back yard along with several other people. Nevertheless, we were asleep at the same time, so it counts.

Anyway, if you couldn't tell from the pic, Beth is a writer and much of what she writes is horror fiction. Go buy her books; you won't be disappointed (Beth, please send the kickbacks to G. W. Ferguson at... well, you know where).

And just in case you doubt me, here's a short, short story (with a quickie interview following) just posted October 9, 2010 on Horror Drive-In:

"SINK OR SWIM"

It's perfect for the season.

(insert evil laugh)

Countdown To Halloween Day 11

2010-10-11T09:58:00.022-04:00

It's not Halloween without a graveyard or two, so on Sunday, October 10, 2010 I visited the Old Presbyterian Cemetery in Waynesboro, Va.

This wasn't the first time.

Way back in the 'Sixties when the country (or, at least, the South) and I were both in the grip of Civil War Fever (it was the Centennial, after all), I heard that Confederate soldiers were buried in the town's "old cemetery." Confederate soldiers! I promptly started a nagging campaign to convince my parents to take me there (Mom probably would have said "unleash," but she was a girl and didn't understand the innate Coolness Factor of battles 'n' stuff). Eventually, they gave in and one Sunday afternoon I spent a glorious hour wandering among the tombstones while my father smoked cigarettes and stood guard. Technically, we were trespassing, though who, exactly, would ever press charges was... confusing. In one of those Progress trumps History moments the town had allowed some local developers to build a shopping mall at the base of the cemetery hill; in fact, they were digging into the hill and relocating bodies with some frequency. It seemed as though no one was particularly concerned about an old graveyard.

As the years passed the cemetery fell victim to neglect and vandalism, which was (and is) a sad state of affairs except for one little thing...

It's a spooky place even in daylight.

And as typical Monster Kids of the 'Sixties we loved it! In fact, we even used the place in our Super 8 magnum opus, The Ring (warning: testosterone-charged teen boys, stolen plot lines and musical tracks, but nifty make-up and lighting). Of course, >>>I<<< always dreamed of hanging out there at night, especially Halloween night, but there was no way to get away with that back then.

Anyway, I happened to be in Waynesboro and figured I grab a few pics while I was there.

Some years ago these gravestones had been stacked neatly beside an ancient oak tree. Whether they fell because of vandalism or natural causes (i. e., neglect) I have no idea. I also have no idea who laid them out like this. If I were to guess, I'd say the local historians/genealogists in order to compile an archive of who's buried here (see text archives here and here).*

"Lt. J. A. Burns. Fell at the Battle of Winchester

Sept. 19. 1864."

The Waynesboro Paranormal Research Group has a similar picture with Confederate battle flag on its web page. See also here.

"Sarah J. Wife of Rev. W. T. Richardson and mother

of the three children who lie here beside her.

None ever labored harder from necessity

than she from the desire of doing good."

"William Eston Richardson. Adopted Son of W. T. and S. J. Richardson

Also by Grace a child of God. Died in the Service of his country

June 16, 1862."

See also the Waynesboro Paranormal Research Group's picture of this site.

I am intensely curious as to who it is leaving (artificial) flowers at these gravesites.

"Dear Doctor."

The grave markings have been lost.

2 yrs. 7 mo. old.

Along with folded hands, the finger pointing heavenward is a common gravestone device here.

The lower right corner of this pic can be seen in a WPRG photo.

Need story inspiration? Wander through any old cemetery and you'll be overwhelmed by the number of personal tragedies represented therein. I find this place particularly poignant because (1) I know it, and (2) despite the age and disarray and neglect there are still people who come and commemorate those buried here.

*Oops! I AM correct! This just in as of this morning: "The Old Presbyterian Cemetery."

Countdown To Halloween Day 10

2010-10-10T19:50:00.001-04:00

Did you miss me?

Yeah, I went out of town for the weekend and though I had the best of intentions and took a laptop with me, the wireless at the (unnamed ghetto-esque hotel) was so spotty I couldn't stay online long enough to put together a decent post. It was just as well; by being rendered webless I was actually out and about* and got a chance to hang out with friends of long-standing (in many cases ones I've known since 1st grade) and cruise around my old hometown.

The precipitating event was the annual Fall Foliage Festival, a big-ass arts & crafts exhibit (and one of the last of the season), but since this is a Countdown To Halloween and not a "What-I-Did-On-My-2-Day-Fall-Vacation-In-Lieu-Of-A-Real-One post, I won't bore you with irrelevant details. Maybe another time. What we want here is seasonally appropriate and/or spooky stuff, which I (well, we; I was with my friends Cathy & Jeff) found in, of all places, a cute little bakery/coffee shop named short & SWEET. The second we entered I recognized a kindred soul--I mean, who else would have this next to the cash register in a bakery?

This may explain why we were the only customers.

Oh, the owner had all sorts of cool decoration, including a little animated haunted train 'n' town layout (with two skeletons driving a hand car on the railroad tracks in the foreground) I was unable to photograph adequately since it was in a protective glass case--stuff like this. And atop the baked goods display case...

Your basic miniature haunted mansion tableau!

Earlier in the day--much earlier--Jeff & Cathy did a 5K charity walk, which I was kinda, sorta supposed to do as well, but I just couldn't get my act together in time for the start. I arrived about 15 min. after the walkers (and runners--there were 5k and 10K runs as well) had taken off and decided to photograph some pumpkins at a nearby produce stand while I waited for them to return:

Hmmm... I'm not talented enough to come up with a witty, poignant summary so I'll end abruptly by saying later I snapped some purty flurs:

Coming up next--I visit an all-but-forgotten cemetery.

*I'm not exactly agoraphobic; however, without a compelling reason I rarely leave the apartment, much less drive 100 miles.

Countdown To Halloween Day 7

2010-10-07T23:39:00.000-04:00

Today, as you may know, is the 161st anniversary of the mysterious death of Edgar Allan Poe. I've babbled about this before, in ...Wearing Clothes That Were Not His Own and in This Time the Burial ISN'T Premature! (where you can see Sarah J. and me paying special tribute to Edgar at the Poe Museum here in Richmond, VA), so I won't belabor the point. What I will say is, long before the Intarwebs decided H. P. Lovecraft and Great Cthulhu were über-memes, cultural poachers focused their attention upon Poe.

And who better? While Lovecraft grappled with dark, unspeakable cosmic forces infesting the universe with malign intent with humans merely inconsequential window dressing, Poe dealt with what were essentially personal tragedies, albeit deeply macabre ones. Nothing wrong with either approach, but there's something more... personal... in Poe's stories.

Which makes them that much more unnerving.

And perfect for late-night October reading.

"The Black Cat" from Creepy #62 (May 1974), adaptation and art by Bernie Wrightson

"The Tell-Tale Heart" from Creepy #3 (June 1965), art by Reed Crandall

(see the complete illustrated versions from Warren Publishing at Golden Age Comic Book Stories)

(and for an amusing comic strip, check out "It's A Laugh A Minute With Edgar Allan Poe")

Creepy Musical Interlude II--"Halloween"

2010-10-07T00:10:00.000-04:00

Stephen Lynch gives us his own... unique... view of Halloween.

Countdown To Halloween Day 6--Let's Haunt A House!

2010-10-06T22:24:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, say, around 8, the hot book in my elementary school library was Alfred Hitchcock's Haunted Houseful (quickly followed by Alfred Hitchcock's Ghostly Gallery):

I mean, what's not to like? Alfred Hitchcock! Cool stories! About haunted houses! With pictures! Great pictures! By Fred Banbery! Spoooooooky stuff! Meant to be read after bedtime, under the covers, with a flashlight (or was I the only one who did this?).

Of course, now that I'm deep into obsessive Old Fartdom I know that Alfred Hitchcock had nothing to do with any of the story collections sporting his name, children's or otherwise (there were lots of 'em in the '60s); these were edited by Robert Arthur--see last year's post Time To Terrorize the Kids!

Anyway, since Frankensteinia--The Frankenstein Blog (duh!) has declared October to be Book Month and since I'm in a nostalgic mood anyway and since the Intarwebs allow me such easy access to my lost childhood and since what's more appropriate for Halloween than a bunch of ghost stories, travel with me for a moment down Memory Lane:

Inside front cover--scary stuff to behold when you're eight... at night... alone... under the bedclothes

Title page (ooh! Hitch cameo!)

"The Wastwych Secret" by Constance Savery

"Jimmy Takes Vanishing Lessons" by Walter R. Brooks (ooh! another Hitch cameo!)

"The Mystery of Rabbit Run" by Jack Bechdolt (gee! Another Hitch cameo!)

(this picture, by the way, freaked the HELL out of me as a kid since the kitchen was a dead ringer for the one at my grandparent's farmhouse)

"The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall" by John Kendrick Bangs (damn, Hitch!)

Climax to "The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall"

"The Red-Headed League" by Arthur Conan Doyle (Hitch? Is that you? Again?)

"The Mystery in Four-And-A-Half Street" by Donald & Louise Peattie

(well, we know that's not Hitch in the clock; he wouldn't have fit)

"Let's Haunt A House" by Manly Wade Wellman

"The Forgotten Island" by Elizabeth Coatsworth

Something only JSaM will get: Oh, the Bight of Benin/The Bight of Benin/One comes out/Where three goes in

Today this illustration reminds me of the work of Chris Van Allsburg; at the time all I knew was that >>>I<<< wanted to find a lost cabin on a forgotten island. The story itself was a bit...treacly... but the idea of finding (and then owning) a spooky little house in the middle of a lake, well, that was just fine!

'Scuse me... I need to go find my flashlight...